Have a few laughs

[Termination]

Thought I'd share some jokes with y'all

9 Things I hate about everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time .... I know
where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and
eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see
that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" .... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[Bartwald]

Heh, you hate ME with passion then, Term!

[LivingDeadGirl]

Lol...those are great.

[spacer]

Really good.
But wait, Hmmm.... Term, Can I ask you a question? ;D

[Termination]

Hey, those were not directed at anyone. If ya fall victim to one the 9 things on that joke, don't take it to personal.

[Termination]

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171 %

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, for all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental gun deaths per gun owner is 0.0000188 %

Summary

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Fact

Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.

Remember

Guns don't kill people, doctors do!

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand. (Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for the fear that the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.)

[Quorthon]

termination said:

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

Ever try being dead? That takes way longer.

[Termination]

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

This is so weird that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying
at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.

I told you so .........And there's nothing you can do about it!

[LivingDeadGirl]

Man, that's freaky...

[Pulpmariachi]

That is fascinating.

[Termination]

When is the word "Fuck" Acceptable?

There are only twelve times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

12. "What the Fuck do you mean, we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

11. "What the Fuck was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

10. "Where did all those Fucking Indians come from?"

-- Gen. George Custer, 1877

9. "Any Fucking idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938

8. "It does so Fucking look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

7. "How the Fuck did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

6. "You want WHAT on the Fucking ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

5. "Where the Fuck are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

4. "Scattered Fucking showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

3. "Aw c'mon. Who the Fuck is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

2. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this Fucking mad."

-- Saddam Hussein, 2003


and a drum roll please...........!


1. "Laura, just what the Fuck do you mean. We have to move out?

-- George W. Bush, Nov. 3rd. 2004

[Heineken Skywalker]

That was pretty fucking funny. ;D

[LivingDeadGirl]

Someone e-mailed this one to me a couple of days ago...

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[Termination]

This one is good. You gotta read the whole story. ;D

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
>>out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
>>someone you don't know.
>>
>>I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
>>make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
>>
>>I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
>>
>>Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!"
>>and the phone was slammed down on me.
>>
>>I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
>>Robyn's
>>
>>correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the
>>last two digits.
>>
>>After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
>>
>>When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a--hole!" and
>>hung
>>
>>up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a--hole' next to it, and put it
>>in my desk drawer.
>>
>>Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
>>I'd
>>call him up and yell, "You're an a--hole!"
>>
>>It always cheered me up.
>>
>>When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "a--hole calling"
>>would have to stop.
>>
>>So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
>>Verizon.
>>I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
>>
>>He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
>>
>>I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a--hole!"
>>
>>One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
>>
>>Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
>>patiently
>>waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
>>
>>for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
>>his
>>back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
>>
>>A couple of days later, right after calling the first a--hole (I had his
>>number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a--hole, too.
>>I
>>
>>said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
>>
>>"Yes, it is", he said.
>>
>>"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
>>
>>"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the
>>car's parked right out in front."
>>
>>"What's your name?" I asked.
>>
>>"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
>>
>>"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
>>
>>"I'm home every evening after five."
>>
>>"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
>>
>>"Yes?"
>>
>>"Don, you're an a--hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
>>dial, too.
>>
>>Now, when I had a problem, I had two a--holes to call. Then I came up with
>>an idea. I called A--hole #1.
>>
>>"Hello."
>>
>>"You're an a--hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
>>
>>"Are you still there?" he asked.
>>
>>"Yeah," I said.
>>
>>"Stop calling me," he screamed.
>>
>>"Make me," I said.
>>
>>"Who are you?" he asked.
>>
>>"My name is Don Hansen."
>>
>>"Yeah? Where do you live?"
>>
>>"A--hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
>>black
>>
>>Beamer parked in front."
>>
>>He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
>>your prayers."
>>
>>I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a--hole," and hung up.
>>
>>Then I called A--hole #2. "Hello?" he said.
>>
>>"Hello, a--hole," I said.
>>
>>He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
>>
>>"You'll what?" I said.
>>
>>"I'll kick your a--," he exclaimed.
>>
>>I answered, "Well, a--hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
>>now."
>>
>>Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
>>34
>>Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
>>lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in
>>Mowbray
>>
>>Blvd, Vaucluse.
>>
>>I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in
>>time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
>>six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
>>
>>NOW I feel much better.
>>
>>Anger management really works.

[LivingDeadGirl]

;D That's classic...