Have a few laughs

[Termination]

STELLA AWARDS
>>>>
>>>>It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards.
>>>>The Stella 's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
>>>>coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald 's. That case inspired
>>>>the "Stella's" for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United
>>>>States.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO:
>>>>
>>>>5th Place (Tied)
>>>>
>>>>Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of
>>>>her
>>>>peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
>>>>inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
>>>>surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms.
>>>>Robertson 's son.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>5th Place (Tied)
>>>>
>>>>19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
>>>>when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
>>>>apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when
>>>>he was trying to steal the hubcaps.
>>>>
>>>>5th Place (Tied)
>>>>
>>>>Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had
>>>>just
>>>>finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage
>>>>door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
>>>>could
>>>>not re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage
>>>>locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation and Mr.
>>>>Dickson
>>>>found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of
>>>>Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
>>>>insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The
>>>>Jury
>>>>agreed to the tune of $500,000.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>4th Place
>>>>
>>>>Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical
>>>>expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's
>>>>beagle dog. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The
>>>>award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
>>>>a
>>>>little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the
>>>>fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>3rd Place
>>>>
>>>>A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
>>>>Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
>>>>tailbone. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it
>>>>at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>2nd Place
>>>>
>>>>Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a nightclub in a
>>>>neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and
>>>>knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was
>>>>trying to sneak in the window of the ladies room to avoid paying the
>>>>$3.50
>>>>cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>1st Place!!!!!
>>>>
>>>>This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
>>>>Okla.
>>>>Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago motor home. On his trip
>>>>home
>>>>from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the
>>>>cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into
>>>>the
>>>>back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the
>>>>free way, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not
>>>>advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this.
>>>>The
>>>>jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor home. The
>>>>company
>>>>actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case
>>>>there were any other complete morons buying their recreational vehicles.

[LivingDeadGirl]

When asked to share the most unusual excuses workers gave for missing work, hiring managers shared some of their favorite examples:


"I'm too drunk to drive to work."


"I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet."


"I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work." (Employee was not in the medical profession.)


"I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened."


"My boyfriend's snake got loose and I'm afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home."


"I'm too fat to get into my work pants."


"God didn't wake me." (Employee didn't believe in alarm clocks and thought a higher power would wake her when she was ready.)


"I cut my fingernails too short, they're bleeding and I have to go to the doctor."


"The ghosts in my house kept me up all night."


"I forgot I was getting married today."


"My cow bit me."


"My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can't get it out."


"I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself."


"I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back."


"My house lock jammed, and I'm locked in."

[Termination]

;D

Those are hilarious excuses. I gotta try one, one day. LOL

[Termination]

Proof That The World is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well . . not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ?)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last, Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

[Termination]

Let me just first apologize to the women who read this & take offence.

Men strike back! ! ! ! !

-------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat! a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer Gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry ladies ;D

[LivingDeadGirl]

Those were pretty funny though.. ;D

[Termination]

The following questions and answers were collected from last
> year's exam results. These are genuine responses!
> (from 16 year olds)
>
> Geography
> Q: Name the four seasons.
> A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
>
> Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
> safe to drink.
> A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
> large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
>
> Q: How is dew formed?
> A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
>
> Sociology
> Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
> A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
>
> Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
> A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
>
> Q: What are steroids?
> A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
>
> Biology
> Q: What happens to your body as you age?
> A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
>
> Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
> A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
>
> Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
> A: Premature death.
>
> Q: What is artificial insemination?
> A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
>
> Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
> A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
>
> Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.
> abdomen)
> A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
> borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain,
> the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal
> cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
>
> Q: What is the Fibula?
> A: A small lie.
>
>
> Q: What does "varicose" mean?
> A: Nearby.
>
> Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
> A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
>
> Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
> A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome .
>
> Q: What is a seizure?
> A: A Roman emperor.
>
> Q: What is a terminal illness?
> A: When you are sick at the airport
>
> Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
> A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look
> like umbrellas.
>
> English
> Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you
> understand its meaning.
> A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
>
> Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
> A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
>
> Technology
> Q: What is a turbine?
> A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

[LivingDeadGirl]

How Do These People Survive?

*Recently, when I went to a McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets" said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine or twelve" was the reply. So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's Right" So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

*I was checking out at a local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today. She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

*A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

*I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, " I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, " Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

*Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to the secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

*I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the " cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

*My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

*Police in Radnor,Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

*A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer...." Dispatcher: "Rush him in to the emergency room"

" Life is tough. " " It's tougher if you're stupid!!!!!."

[Pulpmariachi]

Here's one in an email I got forwarded to me.

Men are like....
1. Men are like ........
>>> >>>>> >>>>Laxatives
>>>...... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like .. Bananas ......
>>> >>>>> >>>>The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be
>>>done
>>> >>>>>to
>>> >>>>> >>>>change them.
4. Men are like ....... Blenders .... You need one, but
>>> >>>>>you're not
>>> >>>>> >>>>quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet,
>>>smooth, &
>>> >>>>>they
>>> >>>>> >>>>usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .... Commercials ...... You can't
>>>believe a
>>>
>>> >>>>>word
>>> >>>>> >>>>they say.
7. Men are like ..Department Stores ..... Their clothes
>>>are
>>> >>>>>always
>>> >>>>> >>>>½ off.
8. Men are like ........
>>> >>>>> >>>>Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to
>>>mature.
9. Men are like ...... Mascara . They usually run at
>>>the
>>> >>>>>first sign
>>> >>>>> >>>>of emotion.
10. Men are like ....... Popcorn . They satisfy you,
>>>but
>>> >>>>>only for a
>>> >>>>> >>>>little while.
11. Men are like .... Snowstorms ..... You never know
>>>when
>>>
>>> >>>>>they're
>>> >>>>> >>>>coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will
>>> >>>>>last.
12. Men are like ........Lava
>>> >>>>> >>>>Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...Parking Spots ....... All the good
>>>ones
>>> >>>>>are
>>> >>>>> >>>>taken, the rest are handicapped.