24

[Pulpmariachi]

Well, Deena is officially dead, which really sucks. She was my favorite new character. Stupid bastard Marwan.

So there's this pilot whose going to do something with Air Force One and the terrorists need to distract CTU from some message that was called in about a pilot's family that was killed.

The terrorists want Terror Boy back so they can distract everything and Jack is like, "Oh, this isn't going to happen."

Nothing else happened tonight. CTU argued about what to do, Marwan was like, "Ha, I'm head of the terrorists," Audrey was sad because both guys she loves will probably die, and Edgar is being bitchy.

Next week looks real good.

Oh, and now they're like raping my favorite characters. Things don't look good for Terror Boy.

[Pulpmariachi]

Okay, so nothing further was discussed with Terror Boy tonight.

I don't really feel like getting in-depth tonight, but a missle hit Air Force One indirectly and the President and his son are probably dead, along with everyone else. I mean, flames were showed consuming them. And if they survived, their survival chance is really low because next week a bunch of terrorists are approaching a wreakage site and some kids are running away with the black box.

Oh, and Paul pulled through but he may or may not be paralyzed for the rest of his life.

[Pulpmariachi]

So Air Force One went down. But the President is still alive. Just in ultra-critical conditions. His son is dead, though, which is really sad. That's the second offspring of some high-ranking official that's died this season. Are they saying that the highest kids aren't safe? Or was it just a coincidence.

Audrey is being pissy at Jack because he can turn off his emotions and carry on and she's still sad about Paul. Sure, Audrey is still there and everything and he cares for her, but the only time I've ever seen him uber-sad was when his wife died in Season One. And the only time I think it would happen again is if Kim died. But she's not in this season (at least not yet).

So there's this guy named Buchannon and he and Michelle had a fling, and Tony found out. But Bunchannon revealed to Tony that it was cold because Michelle still felt for him.

This thing called the nuclear football crashed in the desert and these two campers found it. They had to run from the terrorists, in really intense chase sequences. They got to this adandoned building or something and hid out there, still with terrorists in pursuit. They found them and tortured the guy and the girl gave up the football just as Jack arrived.

Jack gave pursuit (not before doing something totally wicked. He took his dead agent's bullets and put them in a can and lit them on fire, after a moment they exploded and provided cover fire as he snuck around and popped off a terrorist).

Then, a helicopter came and knocked a Jeep off the road and it was cool. But Marwan got away with some files and an activation device to start up some warheads.

The Vice-President got sworn in and the first thing he has to deal with is this nuclear disaster that's impending. What fun.

[Pulpmariachi]

Nothiing really happened again. Well, I didn't like the first old President and really don't like this new one. He's scared of everything and instead of showing confidence he went into hiding in some bunker.

Of course the terrorists got hold of a nuke. CTU got a lead on this one guy and were about to interrigate him as the lawyers arrived. Nothing could be done. Doing something totaly kickass, Jack did a temp resigning and beat the guy up.

Well, the best thing was the preview for next week, which shows my favorite character from the last seasons returning...DENNIS HAYSBERT!!!

[Pulpmariachi]

So whatever was not that great in the last couple episodes was better tonight.

First of all, Jack had beat the hell out of that one guy and now the President is super pissed at him because the President's on an ego trip and can't do anything right. He's such a fucktard.

So Jack and the team are there and they're about to get Marwan without Marwan knowing, but nothing can ever go right, can it? The Secret Service comes to arrest Jack on the President's orders and thereby screws up the mission and Marwan gets away.

And the terrorists have prepped their bomb and are now looking for a location to detonate it. I think they alrady have one but haven't told us yet.

After Marwan gets away, the President realizes his mistake and lets Jack go, who is so ticked it's not even funny.

One of the terrorists' girlfriends has contacted CTU because she believes that her boyfriend is a terrorist (smart woman). So Chole goes to the house to get some files off the computer, where she's attacked by another terrorist. Oh joy. So she and the girlfriend dive into a car and the baddie tries to ram them and shoot them (since it's a government car, the glass is bullet-proof). Chole manages to get this gun and blow the baddie away. It was almost comical watching Chole with a gun, barley being able to hold it up and just shooting.

Seeing as the President can't do anything right, his advisor advises him to call in the greatest President ever, David Palmer. I love David Palmer so much, him being my favorite character in all the other seasons. And he knows how to handle a situation. Unfortunatley, there wasn't enough of him, just him deciding to come in and help kick some ass and basically act in the position of the President secretly for a little while.

Yes.

[Phoenix]

I loved Chloe Rambo-fied! Very funny!

I really enjoyed last night's episode. I had to describe to a co-worker everything that happened and went on forever about it! Very action packed.

[Pulpmariachi]

Whoa, that's all I can say about tonight's episode. Whoa.

First of all, Jack and Chole identified this Chinese guy who had aided Marwan; however, he had decided that he would hide out at the Chinese Embassy Thing.

David Palmer came in and about three minutes he had taken over and gotten more action and made better decisions than either of the other two Presidents this season so far.

When the Chinese took their time in giving them the Chinese terrorist guy, Palmer told Jack to go in. And Jack did a Solid Snake stealth mission that was totally kick ass and wickedly suspenceful. Yet, on the way out, the suspect guy was shot and the Chinese boss guy was killed. Palmer blamed it on the terrorists, which was a very intelligent move, in my opinion.

At that same moment, Paul's lungs started flooding and he had to be taken back into surgery.

And the last 5 or 10 minutes were so suspenceful. The terrorist Chinese guy's lungs began to flood too and Jack had to save him or Marwan would get away with everything. The doctors, though, were working on Paul. Jack made them work on the Chinese guy instead and Paul died and now Audrey hates Jack and it was depressing. And Jack was in shock at the end of the episode.

there are only 3 hours left...oh, God, I can't wait. Now the Chinese are pissed and David Palmer's going to have to use his genius to get out of this mess.

By the way, this is what Dave Barry had to say about tonight:

24
At the end of the last episode, Chloe – yes, Chloe -- demonstrated why she should be in charge of the U.S. intelligence community. No, scratch that: Chloe should be in charge of everything. She demonstrated that not only is she a Geek Goddess who can immediately recognize a Blowfish algorithm -– yes, a Blowfish algorithm -- but also that she can, when called upon, armed with nothing but her wits and a machine gun, convert a terrorist into Terrorist McNuggets. We want to see MORE of Chloe. Chloe is our daddy. We want to have Chloe's baby.

But the news is not all good. Audrey, who is always very upset about some damn thing or another, is currently very upset at Jack, because of his habit of torturing pretty much everybody he comes into contact with, including toll-booth attendants. Also Jack has displayed a Wile-E.-Coyote-ish tendency to never quite be able to catch the Evil Terrorist Genius Home Depot Shopper Marwan, who got away again last week. If you listened closely you could actually hear Marwan say "Meep! Meep!"

And let us not forget that the acting president of the United States is a man so severely testosterone-impaired that he makes Barry Manilow look like Vin Diesel. Currently the person really acting as president – the acting acting president – is President AllState Insurance, who obviously can't devote his full attention to the crisis, because he's also appearing in commercials.

Speaking of which, there has been no IPEX brassiere commercial for three weeks now. In other bad news, the terrorists have taken a nuclear missile to Iowa, where it poses an extreme and immediate threat to maybe 14 people and an estimated 78 million pigs. We have no word yet on whether Dodge is still holding its Spring Sales Event. At this point, all we can do is pray.

Update: Just once, I'd like to see the nanny on "Nanny 911" go out to the garage and slug down a fifth of bourbon.

Update: They stole an "S" series warhead! Those bastards! Those are BAD warheads.

Update: Chloe said, "MEN4XP." She is SO sexy!

Update: Audrey wants to go with Paul to Massachussetts.

Update: Blah blah blah. IS NOBODY GOING TO SHOOT ANYBODY IN THIS EPISODE?

Update: Jack is going to take Lee into custody. We feel sorry for Lee.

Update: The acting acting president changed into a turtleneck for the AllState commercial.

Update: The Chinese consulate dude does not want to give up Lee. He says the U.S. needs to go through channels. Hahahahahahahaha.

Update: The woman Tony lives with called in to be a subplot.

Update: Tony doersn't love her.

Update: Chloe and Edgar, sitting in a tree.

Update: JACK IS GOING IN.

Update: THEY'RE SUITING UP!

Update: They're overlaying the infrared on the schematic.

Update: Jack is wearing a ski mask, in case it's cold in the consulate.

Update: Shooting! China is pissed.

Update: The Chinese shot their own guy. Now Jack has to treat the wound, so the guy can get well, so Jack can shoot him to make him talk.

Update: Chevy is having a sale, but they didn't say whether it's a Sales Event.

Update: Jack has elected NOT to use force? What the HELL?

Update: WUH-oh. Jack may be in Big Trouble.

Update: There could be Long-Range Repercussions.

Update: I miss Marwan.

Update: Jack pulled a gun on the doctor! That's our Jack.

Update: I'm sure one day Jack and Audrey will look back on this little spat and laugh.

Update: This is a real feel-good episode.

Bottom Line: Basically nothing happened this week. The good news: Next week, we could be at war with China.

[Pulpmariachi]

So the Chinese come to interrigate CTU and really fuck up their time schedule. Audrey is still pissed at Jack and the Chinese are like, "We know Bauer led the mission." Even though CTU has been turing their building into a house of lies.

Incompanat President has been angry Palmer for making decisions and cares more about foreign affairs rather than protecting the American people.

Jack found Marwan! But the missle carrying the nuke was launched, and then the episode ended.

There were some pointless scenes tonight, like Chole telling Jack he could always talk to her and Tony and Michelle rekindling their romance. Nothing like some international terror bringing people together again!

Here's Dave Barry's take:


May 09, 2005
24
As our story ended last week, the United States was about to go to war with China. That's right: China. We're still not sure how the hell this happened. One minute, we were totally focused on Middle Eastern terrorists in Iowa -- a state with a long and sordid history of sponsoring terrorism -- who are preparing to shoot a nuclear missile at an undisclosed location on the East Coast. Then suddenly, for reasons that still are not clear (at least not to me) Jack Bauer put on a ski mask (WHY??) then ran into the Chinese consulate in Los Angeles, grabbed a Chinese diplomat and came sprinting out in a hail of gunfire. It was a typical, routine, ho-hum, well-thought-out, flawless Jack-Bauer-style operation, except that somehow – you know how it is, with gunfire hails – the diplomat got shot, and the Chinese consul got killed. We don't think Jack himself shot either of these people, but that would be hard to prove in a court of law, inasmuch as Jack has, at one time or another, shot virtually everybody else in the greater Los Angeles area.

So now the Chinese government, which apparently has a "thing" about violent abductions inside its consultates, is in a major international snit, and there is talk of a war between us and China. This would be a horrible tragedy for all of humanity, because I'm pretty sure China is where iPods come from.

Speaking of snits: Audrey, who is never happy about anything, is currently unhappy with Jack because Jack – in a move that warmed the heart of every patient who has ever sat for hours in a doctor's waiting room reading 1993 issues of Good Housekeeping – pulled a gun and ordered a surgeon to stop operating on Audrey's estranged subplot husband in order to repair the wounded Chinese diplomat so Jack could torture him. Tragically, the ex-husband kicked the bucket, and now it looks as though Audrey and Jack will never get together again, which is fine with me because Audrey is a whiny prune and I wish she would stop being a subplot altogether and just get off the show.

Meanwhile, we do not know the current whereabouts of Marwan, the evil terrorist genius mastermind Home Depot shopper who has easily eluded the entire U.S. intelligence apparatus for like 20 straight episodes so far. He could appear as a contestant on American Idol, and they STILL wouldn't catch him. There would be a hail of gunfire, and when the smoke cleared, Marwan would be gone, and Jack would be shouting with frustration into his cell phone, and Paula Abdul would be mortally wounded. Viewership for both shows would soar.

In other subplots:

-- Acting President Manilow is still cowering in the White House bunker, changing his Depends every 15 minutes. This means the person actually in charge of the nation is Acting Acting President AllState Insurance Spokesperson (code name "Deep Voice") who is also appearing in commercials, which is confusing as hell, but not as confusing as this whole China deal.

-- Edgar and Chloe are still hot for each other, and we now know who will be wielding the machine gun in that relationship.

-- The Dodge Spring Sales Event appears to be over.

I don't know how much more tension I can take.

Update: If we viewers had any discretion, we would not be watching this.

Update: Jack is sorry.

Update: They're trying to jam Chloe's servers! Those bastards.

Update: The Chinese guys are talking in some kind of Chinese code. Apparently they don't realize that we can read the subtitles.

Update: The terrorists are programming the outboard. It's an outboard missile.

Update: Is Chloe HITTING ON JACK?? IN FRONT OF AUDREY???

Update: Wow. Somehow CTU found three metropolitan areas in Iowa.

Update: Audrey sure seems calm about the death of her subplot.

Update: I think Acting Acting President AllState is about to smack Acting President Manilow.

Update: Ford is having a Tent Event.

Update: "Finding that nuclear warhead is our number one priority." Good to know!

Update: Jack might have to shoot the Chinese guy in the thigh to make him stop asking pesky questions.

Update: Jack just called himself.

Update: A half-hour gone and Jack has not shot anyone.

Update: A factory on sixth! Jack just asked Chloe to assemble a team.

Update: Saturn is having a Boring Car Event.

Update: Is there NO WAY to get Audrey off this show?

Update: This is a Bad Acting Event.

Update: Blah blah blah. We need some ACTION.

Update: How come Jack always assembles such a small team?

Update: The Chinese guy tricked Edgar! Edgar is a moron.

Update: Finally! Violence.

Update: Jack shot Marwan. It's kind of a reflex thing, with Jack. If he got married, he would shoot his wedding guests.

Update: "THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH TIME TO STOP THIS LAUNCH!"

Update: Next week, a nuclear missile is headed toward an unknown U.S. city. But the big news is: Secretary of Defense William Devane returns!

[Pulpmariachi]

There's only three hours left and next week has a two-hour season finale, which I have marked on my calendar.

Tonight, Marwan escaped again after his croonies came and took him away from CTU.

CTU found out that SOD Heller's kid called Marwan and brought him in for questioning. Turns out the kid was getting it on with this couple he randomly picked up and they used his cell phone to make a call.

And the son is gay, which was a shocker.

Kinda saw something bad happening to Tony after some random intimate moments with Michelle.

He gets kidnapped.

The President and Palmer have to deal with jealous politicians, and do so nicely (we hope for awhile). Anyways, it's over next week. TWO HOURS!!

Here's Dave Barry's:

In our last episode, the entire United States faced the imminent threat of massive widespread death from boredom because the episode consisted of huge amounts of talking and almost no shooting. Most of the talking involved this tedious and irritating China subplot that we never really understood and that we hope will go away.

The only real action came at the very end, when Jack Bauer FINALLY caught up with the Evil Genius Terror Mastermind Home Depot Shopper Marwan. Jack shot Marwan in the arm, which tells you how excited he was. Usually he shoots people in the thigh.

In response to being shot, Marwan only smiled, and for a good reason: He has excellent teeth. Also, he knew that it was too late to stop the launch of the nuclear missile from Iowa (official nickname: "The Rogue Nuclear State").

So now there's a missile is on its way to an unknown destination on the East Coast, and the question is: Will it land in a major city and cause untold devastation? Or will it explode harmlessly in downtown Atlantic City?

Meanwhile Acting U.S. President Manilow (code name "Soaking Drawers") remains hunkered in his bunker, leaving the nation in the hands of Acting Acting President AllState Insurance. We have reason to believe, based on last week's previews, that Secretary of Defense William Devane will reappear this week, along with his whiny terrorist-sympathizer son, Subplot Devane.

Secretary Devane's other whiny annoying subplot offspring, Audrey, appears to have, after grieving non-stop for approximately 45 seconds, gotten over the death of her estranged annoying subplot husband Paul. Audrey appears to be having Feelings for Jack again, which opens up the possibility that Chloe, who also appears to have Feelings for Jack, will shred Audrey with a machine gun, though that's probably too much to hope for.

Anyway, it stands to reason that, since the nuclear missile went up last week, it pretty much has to come down this week, unless it's one of those really slow coal-powered missiles. So in tonight's episode we can expect to see a lot of frantic computer-tapping as the folks at CTU try to figure out how they can divert the missile to some place where Jack can shoot it it in the thigh.

Will they be able to do this in time? Will Jack have no choice but to interrogate Marwan by removing his genitals with toenail clippers? Will Marwan develop Feelings for Jack? Will the Ford Tent Event still be going on? Will Edgar be recalled to his home planet? And if they're bringing back Secretary Devane, what about Terror Boy and Terror Mom? Why haven't we seen them lately? What is their subplot, chopped liver?

These are the questions on our minds as tonight's episode begins. All we can do at this point is watch, and hope, and ask ourselves, as concerned Americans who care deeply about the future of our nation in these turbulent times, what else is on.

Update: They need a new ending to Nanny 911. It's the same every week.

Update: There had better be some Graphic Violence.

Update: It's an "S" series cruise missile! That's a fine missile.

Update: They're going to save Congress! The FOOLS!!

Update: Nobody dispatches a team like Chloe.

Update: Graphic violence! Marwan got AWAY.

Update: Seriously, how can Marwan be so much better organized than the entire United States government? No, never mind, stupid question.

Update: This must be a really hard-to-find missile.

Update: "It's a difficult day for all of us, Don." Har.

Update: (Paraphrasing here:) "It's funny, but just this morning Audrey and Jack were planning their future. Now he's responsible for her husband's death, and he may have to torture her brother."

Update: Will somebody PLEASE JUST SHOOT AUDREY???

Update: Doesn't everybody seem awfully calm considering that THERE IS A FREAKING NUCLEAR MISSILE ON THE WAY???

Update: Ford is having a Big Truck Throwdown.

Update: Commenter Stormy Dragon advises us that the reason we don't see Terror Mom any more is that she got shot in the head.

Update: Richard is such a baby.

Update: Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Update: This is the lamest cabinet meeting ever.

Update: Michelle can't spend another day without Tony. Puke-o-RAMA.

Update: Audrey HAS to have pictures of Fox executives naked with sheep.

Update: Jack has the schematic and the approach parameters.

Update: This is a reaaaaaaaaaaaally slow missile. I think people will be able to escape it on foot.

Update: Jack is in.

Update: The Hot Terrorist Babe is mean. But hot.

Update: Another flawless Jack-Bauer-style operation!

[Pulpmariachi]

So like, Fox had a two-hour season finale, and what a show it was.

Okay, the first episode was them following up on a lead and having to rescue Tony from the clutces of another hot evil bitch. The Chinese kidnap this guy who can accuse Bauer and get a confession out of him. Bastards.

Part two led to Jack capturing the hot, evil bitch, tracking Marwan, who committed suicide by jumping off a balcony. Luckily, they got Marwan's location thing and blew up the missle before it could detonate over LA.

Things weren't that great because then the Chinese wanted Bauer and the White House sent someone over to bring him into custody. But they underestimated Bauer and thought he would break (but he wouldn't) and wanted to kill him. Palmer gave Jack the heads up and with the help of Tony and Michelle (who are back together again) he escaped. He pretended he was dead, and the producers made him seem dead, but this is Jack, dammit, he can't die (actually, he already did once. This is his second time). But he can no longer be Jack Bauer and is a new alias. With that, he walked off and the season ended.

What an ending.

As with the new tradition: Here's Dave Barry's take.


May 23, 2005
24
And so, at last, we come to the night we have all been waiting so long for -- the night when, after many weeks of mounting tension, the Miami Heat and Detroit Pistons meet in the NBA playoffs.

But during timeouts and commercials I will also be tuning in to the final episode of 24, which is having its big two-hour finale tonight. The extra hour is necessary because the terrorists have chosen to attack the United States using the world's slowest nuclear missile, a HeckFire 2000 model, powered by pig flatulence (which is why they launched it from Iowa). It has been moseying toward its Secret East Coast Target City for two weeks now at the velocity of a Winnebago motor home. At times it comes to a complete stop and just hovers for a while in mid-air, like a big farting nuclear bee.

As a result, the men in charge of the federal government have had plenty of time to prepare for a nuclear attack on a major U.S. city, and they have used this time to do: nothing. Basically, they are hunkering in their bunker. They have held a couple of high-level strategy meetings, but these mainly consisted of arguments about who, exactly, should be in attendance at the high-level strategy meetings. Acting President Manilow changes his mind and his underwear about every five minutes. Acting Acting President AllState Insurance has been doing what he can, but is hampered by the fact that he keeps having to change into semi-casual attire to appear in commercials.

Meanwhile in California, Jack Bauer, having so far this season invaded 127 buildings, lost 239 fellow agents and shot 358 people in the thigh in his desperate, all-consuming, comically futile effort to capture the evil terrorist genius mastermind Home Depot shopper Marwan, finally last week managed to actually capture Marwan, and then, within a matter of minutes, using all his skill and training as an anti-terrorism agent, somehow managed to LOSE MARWAN. Yes. It was an amazing display of incompetence, even by Jack Bauer standards. So now Jack is really, really angry. It is only a matter of time before he shoots his own self in the thigh.

In other bad news, last week Tony – who had just declared to his special subplot, Michelle, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her – immediately went out and got taken hostage by Mandy The Hot Terrorist Babe. The way this happened was, Mandy The Hot Terrorist Babe told Tony to put his gun down, and Tony – a trained agent, knowing that he was confronting a ruthless terrorist who cannot be trusted and places no value on human life -- put his gun down. And if you are wondering what Tony could possibly have been thinking that would make him do something so stupid, you are a woman. Tony was thinking: "Yes, she's a terrorist. But she's also hot! If I do what she tells me, maybe later, after the nuclear missile explodes and she's free, we can go out for drinks!"

So anyway, as this week's episode begins, Marwan is once again At Large, and the Bee-Fart missile is still chugging along, and Tony is a hostage, and Jack is really mad but also still having feelings for his whiny sniveling prune subplot girlfriend Audrey, whose whiny sniveling subplot brother slept with Mandy The Hot Terrorist Chick's boyfriend (not that there's anything wrong with that) and nearly got their father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, killed.

Speaking of which: I have received an email from Jim in St. Louis, who says that he and his wife believe they may have figured out the Surprise Twist Ending:

Our bet is that Devane and Audrey are behind it all. Two main reasons: 1) all 24 conspiracies involved a Big Bad Villain and 2) Devane always sends Jack into bad situations where Marwan of Home Depot awaits. Maybe the really slow missile is headed for the bunker?!
Could this be true? Where IS the missile going? Could the missile be a diversion for some OTHER fiendish terrorist genius mastermind stroke of evilness? Will Jack be able to stop it in time? Will Audrey be eaten by ants? Wouldn't that be great? Is the Ford Big Truck Throwdown still going on? Will Chloe and Edgar finally give in to their passion, tear off each other's clothes, then log on to an internet database to find out what they're supposed to do next? ("Hang on, Edgar! I'm downloading your schematics!")

We will find out all the answers starting at 8 p.m. It will not be easy for me to keep up with the action, because, as I said, I will also be closely monitoring the Heat-Pistons game. And since my wife, a sportswriter, will be at the game, I will also be responsible for putting our daughter to bed, which means I have to pay some attention to her and tell her a bedtime story. ("Once upon a time there was a very bad man named Marwan, who...")

So I may miss large chunks of the final episode. I will do what I can to post updates here, but I am counting on you folks out there in BlogLand to do your part by posting your analyses in the comments section. Working together, we can get through this thing. And then we can get back to our lives. Although, to judge from the fact that you are reading this, neither of us has a life.

Update: Audrey is completely over the death of her subplot husband. That was, like, an hour ago.

Update: Whoa. Mandy the HTC has a gun strapped to her thigh.

Update: Mandy called Michelle!

Update: Shaq is starting. Yay!

Update: Jack is pulling the units.

Update: Mandy the HTC is very mean. But hot!

Update: Piston fans: Accept it. Dwayne Wade is GOD.

Update: Oh man. Not the China subplot again.

Update: You know that, even lying on the floor about to be executed, Tony is still thinking, "Dang, she is hot."

Update: Of course you know Mandy the HTC was not in that car, right?

Update: They just figured out that if a nuclear missile goes off in a major U.S. city, there will be, quote, "widespread panic." They just figured this out.

Update: Jack wants MORE DAMN VOLUME.

Update: Jack is ON to Mandy the HTC.

Update: Tony is using the old Trail of Blood Trick.

Update: Why is Duke Coach Mike Krzzksryzgstanxxkzzxxkrvski on so many commercials? He is a gnome.

Update: THEY GOT MANDY! If Marwan rescues her, I am going to stop watching this show.

Update: The refs are NOT calling FLAGRANT fouls against Dwayne Wade.

Update: Jack is thinking: "She's hot!"

Update: I have been informed that I have been spelling Dwyane Wade's first name wrong. I apologize.

Update: I do NOT get the Chinese subplot.

Update: Ah. The purpose of the Chinese subplot is to put Jack in Jeopardy.

Update: I probably should go find my daughter.

Update: Wow. Mandy has been a Hot Terrorist Chick for some time now.

Update: Jack is after Marwan. Again. Ho-hum.

Update: We can all relax. My daughter is in her room playing with Barbies.

Update: I can't believe Jack is going into a building without downloading the schematics.

Update: Marwan got away again. Sort of.

Update: Well that sure worked out well, granting immunity to Mandy the HTC, huh?

Update: Back to the Chinese subplot.

Update: Now OUR goverment is going to turn against Jack! Which means he is safe.

Update: Chloe expanded Edgar's parameters! The missile is heading for Los Angeles! So it's really not a problem.

Update: Somehow I don't think this is really over yet.

Update: Shaq has 13 at the half.

Update: Jack loves Audrey. Booooooooring.

Update: Thanks, Jack! Now you're going to China!

Update: Lawyer Boy wants Jack terminated.

Update: But Mike overheard Lawyer Boy. We used to think Mike was bad, but now we think he's good.

Update: I miss Marwan.

Update: CTU has a locker room! Just like a football team.

Uodate: Jack escaped!

Update: Detroit is pretty good, I have to admit.

Update: They sent ONE GUY to get Jack? Hahahahahahaha.

Update: Do we think Jack is really dead? Nah.

Update: Not Audrey! Anything but Audrey!

Update: Jack is going to Disney World!

Update: Wow, that was lame. I am proud to have been part of it.

Update: Please nobody tell my wife how late I put our daughter to bed. Thank you. See you all right here next season.

[Pulpmariachi]

Allllllright, it's almost that time!

Yes, starting SUNDAY I can finally ressurect this thread for one of the greatest TV shows on...television.

I can't wait, I'm so excited for this season, because Jack Bauer is nothing but effing awesome! I could care less about the politics behind it (any side will try to adapt something like this to fit their platform, but seriously, it's a British guy saving America over and over and over and over and over), but there is SOME GREAT ACTION SEQUENCES.

Yes, the show is very farfetched and stopped TRYING to be realistic around the middle of the second season or sooner, because it just wants to thrill us.

Oh God, this TV show is SO good, better than many action movies you see nowadays.

Basically, I'm just saying, expect my constant updates.

Oh yes, as always and as my tradition, as often as possible I will post the updates of funnyman DAVE BARRY as well, just because I did that when I was new to The Board and think they're a lot better than what I write.

And will make you laugh.

As you are no doubt aware, it's almost time for the new season of 24, and you know what that means: It means that you and I, working together as a team, are going to be wasting a tremendous amount of time.

No, wait, that's not right. It means that, after months of sitting around drumming our fingers, we're finally going to find out what's up with Jack Bauer, the highly trained psychopath federal agent who in the past four years has single-handedly thwarted every single terrorist plot against the United States, primarily by shooting people in the thigh.

Jack was assisted in his thwarting by various other cast members of the Southern California branch of the Federal Imaginary Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU), a secret government facility that is located in an excellent location, logistics-wise, because for some reason every attempted act of terrorism happens within about a 1,200-yard radius of there. The primary functions of CTU personnel are to (1) provide subplots; and (2) tap on computer keyboards in an urgent manner while downloading schematics of buildings to Jack's cell phone so he can quickly locate terrorists and shoot them in the thigh. The two most important keyboard-tappers are Edgar and Chloe, who clearly have the hots for each other, although we are not entirely sure that Edgar possesses genitals.

As you may recall, last season Jack thwarted the evil genius terrorist Marwan, who shot down Air Force One so he could get hold of the nuclear codes to launch world's slowest nuclear missile (code name: Injured Moth) which apparently was operated by Delta Air Lines because it took like three weeks to get from Iowa to Los Angeles, where it was shot down in the most anticlimactic television scene since Geraldo opened Al Capone's vault.

You would think that this act of thwarting on Jack's part, on top of all his previous thwarting, would have earned him a medal, but you would be wrong. In fact Jack was in big trouble, because of a Chinese subplot that we never really did understand. But for whatever reason, the acting president of the United States, who is a total wiener, agreed to turn Jack over to China for the purpose of being tortured and killed. So Jack faked his own death with the help of Tony, who is in love with Michelle, who is not to be confused with Audrey, who is the daughter of Secretary of Defense William Devane and was Jack's romantic subplot for a while until he tortured her brother and interrupted the surgery on her husband, Paul, thus causing him to kick the bucket. Even though these were perfectly reasonable acts of thwarting on Jack's part, Audrey got into a big snit and broke up with Jack, which was fine with us because she was an annoying whiny prune.

So anyway, at the end of last season, Jack had gone into hiding, and apparently he has a hot new girlfriend. So now, as we prepare for the blockbuster two-night, four-hour, top-secret premiere of Season Five, the question is: What the heck will happen? Will Jack remain in hiding with his hot new girlfriend, which means that the blockbuster premiere will consist entirely of Edgar and Chloe playing hearts on their computers? Or will Something Totally Unexpected Yet Bad happen -- something that causes Jack to leave the place where he is hiding with his hot new girlfriend and resume engaging in acts of thwartage? And if he does come out, will his hot new girlfriend continue to be involved in the plot? Because she is definitely hot.

I don't know the answers to these questions. But I will be watching on Sunday night, and I hope to have updated reports for you here, as well as your comments and analyses.

[Termination]

Have seen season's 1-3 & am planning on buying the 4th season soon. I didn't watch 24 when it was on tv, so I gotta ask.. How would you rate the 4th day pulp?

I agree, it is the top dog of television shows. Only other primetime Drama shows I like are Alias, (which I hear is being cancelled), CSI (The first series Las Vegas, who gives a shit about Miami & New York) & new to my favs is Lost.

I cancelled my sattelite all together finally. Just Dvd's from now on..

[Pulpmariachi]

Season Four's pretty good. I think the second season was always my favorite (I mean, come on! he took down a helicopter in one of those big gutter things [like the one in T2]...after he was just brought back to life!).

Sometimes the fourth Season gets a bit redundant, but you'll defintley be involved, as always, screaming for them to just let JACK DO HIS JOB!

Season premiere tomorrow. Cannot wait.

[42ndstreetfreak]

It's sure not a good advert for the U.S. Secret Service!

[Pulpmariachi]

Hour 1: SPOILERS

UPDATE: So the season starts and Jack's off working on an oil thingy. And he's found a NEW girlfriend (there's nothing good for her in the immediate future) with her annoying teen who tries to interrogate Jack (but he can't because he's not fucking BAUER bitch!), who is now known as Frank. Then David Palmer is working on his memoirs (which ex-president doesn't do this) when HE'S ASSASSINATED!!! HOLY SHIT!!! Everything goes into turmoil and the other presidential staff are freaking out because there's something going on with Russians. Chloe has been sleeping with a guy named Spencer. And Tony and Michelle are running a business. The commericials began right after Michelle's car EXPLODED!! I don't know if she's dead or anything but the car exploded AGAIN!!! What an opening!


UPDATE: Michelle's dead and Tony's in critical condition. Chole saw a guy and they had a foot chase where she dodged him, and did the thing she does best: Call Jack. He turns back into Bauer in a matter of seconds and is on his way to LA to kick some ass. The President is doing a press conference about Palmer's death and Psycho First Lady is throwing a fit trying to get to her husband. Oh, and Audrey is back at CTU while the New Director is trying to control everything. Apparently, it has something to do with Jack, even though he's thought to be dead....

UPDATE: Jack is at it baby! He goes into an airfield thingy and punches a guy out (totally Bauer). Just as he's about to hop the chopper, Suspicious Teenager appears and Jack has no choice to take him along. He calls his Mom to pick him up in LA (if he makes it there, who can say?). At the same time, Psycho First Lady is having "conspiracy theories" where she thinks that Palmer was knocked off because of something he was about to tell her. Meanwhile, CTU has found something odd about Tony and his last conversation with Palmer 18 months ago (the day Jack "died"). Too bad Tony can't talk since the explosion messed up his brain.

UPDATE: Jack arrives and Chole comes too, but she's been chased, which leads to Jack going into action, popping off the baddies. He corners one of them and then gets some info out of him before popping him, who was also the guy that sniped Palmer. And that's how it ended. Hour one at least.

Here's Barry's take:

24
FINALLY the football game is over. I hope everybody has visited the bathroom and is ready for some ACTION.

UPDATE: WE DON'T WANT THE SUBWAY POSTGAME SHOW. WE WANT JACK.

UPDATE: What the hell has Jimmy Johnson done to his hair?

UPDATE: Here we go. I pity the West Coast.

UPDATE: I hate the needle-to-the-heart part.

UPDATE: Jack is wearing a hard hat. They'll NEVER penetrate that disguise!

UPDATE: The bastards shot former acting acting president Allstate Insurance Spokesperson!

UPDATE: They're setting up a hard perimeter. That's always good.

UPDATE: WHOA! Chloe has a boyfriend! He's, like, 9, but still.

UPDATE: Frank's hot new girlfriend does not seem quite so hot now that we get a good look at her. But she is a major upgrade from Audrey.

UPDATE: The new girlfriend's surly teenage son looks alarmingly like Chloe.


UPDATE: Michelle is reminding Tony that they used to run scenarios. That is SO romantic.

UPDATE: They got Michelle! These people are dropping like flies.

UPDATE: Oral-B has a new toothbrush that looks genuinely scary.


UPDATE: Whoa. Edgar has not been skipping the Krispy Kremes.


UPDATE: NOW THEY'RE AFTER CHLOE. It's like they want to wipe out everybody who had anything to do with the last season! And who can blame them?


UPDATE: New Girlfriend (NGF) to Jack: "I can't thank you enough for all the work you've done around here." Heheheheh.


UPDATE: Jack wants Chloe to go dark.

UPDATE: Jack got out his Secret Agent Kit! He's baaaaaaccckk!

UPDATE: NOT AUDREY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


UPDATE: The first lady is not taking this well.

UPDATE: Jack has commenced hitting people.


UPDATE: Jack is taking the NGF's surly teenage son (STS) in the helicopter. It's a chance for them to bond.

UPDATE: The First Lady says she is, quote, "not making this up."

UPDATE: Edgar is the size of a two-car garage.

UPDATE: They're not at speed! I hate it when people are after me and I'm not at speed.

UPDATE: Hey, Jack is stabbing now. Is that new? He was always more of a shooter.

UPDATE: Do NOT mess with Chloe.

UPDATE: The guy actually believed Jack wouldn't shoot him! Obviously he has never seen this show.

UPDATE: At this rate, by the end of the second hour there's going to be nobody left alive in Southern California.

UPDATE: Celebrity skating? Where will it end? Celebrity welding? Celebrity eye surgery?