Alien Vs. Predator (2004)

[Quorthon]

Alien Vs. Predator
2004
Color
Fox
PG-13
*** This comment may contain spoilers ***
Well sir, I don't like it. This may, MAY contain a possible spoiler, so that's why I have a warning up here... not that it really matters, as there really isn't a damn thing in this film that's redeemable.

I'll make it easy, here are the good points:
-Decent looking aliens.
-Some very mild violence, some fairly interesting fight scenes.
-None of Paul Anderson's bloody techno music.

Didn't hurt it, didn't help it:
-Very standard 3-D Animation.
-Nothing new about the Aliens.
-People die.
-Decent special effects--no better than "Aliens," although sometimes they seem "not as good."
-Mildly interesting story--but--

The BAD: -
--the story lists 3 ancient civilizations, including the Aztec--claiming they built the pyramids in Mexico, when in fact, those structures were built by the MAYA, and the Aztec simply took over many, many years after the Maya disappeared (I know this isn't a big deal to everyone, but to me, well, I was annoyed).
-Story is loosely explained, as if it was made for a child to follow fairly well, and think is "cool."
-Story centers on an archeaological expedition to Antarctica--a land with no native human population to fear--what's with all the machine guns and assault weapons?? (Note: I was watching my kid running around screaming, so if it was mentioned & I missed it, it wasn't decently explained it would seem)
-Crappy acting.
-Uninteresting, uninspired characters with no depth--when they die, you just don't care.
-Use of, God help us, Bullettime during a scene with face-huggers. Yes, Hollywood's cheapest trend badgered it's way into the Alien/Predator franchises.
-Dialogue apparently ceases after the first third of the film.

And the Ugly Nasties:
-Yup, it's PG-13--and I watched the so-called "Unrated" extended version--it's still harmless, PG-13, kiddie trite.
-Use of the "F-Word" a whopping one time.
-18 ounces of human blood, no human-related gore whatsoever, and that means--
-NO CHEST-BURSTING &
-NO STRUNG-UP, STRIPPED AND MUTILATED HUMAN CORPSES, A LA "PREDATOR"
-Several Predators suddenly seem to be 9 feet tall for no reason.
-The Alien Queen is also grossly over-sized.
-The intelligence of the Aliens, which we witnessed in all prior films, is now relegated to that of "really smart jungle cats."
-More than once, a weapon is pierced into an Alien--and the acid blood queerly causes it no harm.
-An insult to those of us that are adults and grew up with the Alien and Predator franchises, despite the relatively crappy Alien: Resurrection and Predator 2--at least they were still R-Rated.
-Remember that horror-film hint you get from previous films, where everything was introduced gradually to build tension? None of that here.
-Face huggers have suddenly gone from spending a couple days on someone's face to a mere couple minutes.
-Young Aliens are born in a couple "hours" rather than a couple "days."
-Young Aliens become adults, apparently, if you blink more than once while looking at them.
-Little story continuity--people get separated constantly, but you're never quite sure how, or for that matter, where they are, and then they die--but you never liked any of them anyway.
-Lead female character will set back Women's Lib about 20 years with her dullness and occasional incompetence--she's unlikable.
-Predator - human alliance? No thanks.
-(SPOILER) Several Predators seem infinitely strong, while Alien numbers seem to grow unchecked--and unexplained--there weren't nearly enough humans around to make all these adult Aliens.

(SPOILERGRAPH) The one surprise I didn't mind: -Predalien--although, it's host was stabbed through the torso, and thus, the creature should have died...

I watched this movie for free (checked out from a Library) and if you're interested in it, I suggest you do the same, it's really not worth paying for. You're brain will pay for it while you watch it. Alien 3 was head and shoulders above this. Hell, so was Resurrection and extremely cheesy Predator 2. Pity this is where those series' ended up

Acting: 3/10
Violence/Gore: 5/10
Nudity/Sexuality: 0/10
Story: 4/10
Atmosphere: 3/10
Special Effects/Make-up: 7/10
Cheesiness: 8/10
Overall: 2/10
Crappiness: 9/10

This movie may have decreased my intelligence. Tho, me no tell iff tat hapennd. No wotch flim!!11!

[Termination]

WoW, good lengthy review Quorthon. I didn't pay too much attention to detail while watching this PG flick. Going in, it was just plain commen sense to me that the violence, lauguage would not be as present in this film, when compared to the original films. I totaly agree with you on character development, though I'm thinking the stars are the Aliens & Predators so why should the audience care about the cast or their acting talent? Anyway, good read. I look forward to more of ya reviews.

[Phoenix]

-Lead female character will set back Women's Lib about 20 years with her dullness and occasional incompetence--she's unlikable.

Isn't that the truth! I hated that woman in the film - she was NO RIPLEY!

Loved the review, great points, all of which i agree with. I refuse to add it to my DVD collection!

[ZapRowsdower]

I agree. I totally despised this movie. One point I thought I should add:

-They mentioned that the land was uninhabitable, yet there was a mining colony built on it... That's continuity for ya.

[Heineken Skywalker]

Quorthon, I agree with your review almost point for point.
Here's my review from back when this movie was first released in theaters and I posted it in the Sci-Fi section. For those who are new or never read it back then. It's slightly edited so it'll make a little more sense in this context. Plus, I'm too tired to write a whole new review.
;D




If you're looking for character development or a cohesive plot, go watch either of the first two ALIEN movies, but if your only interest is in seeing monsters beat each other's brains out, then hey, this is the movie for you!
But be warned, you'll have to check your brain at the door, and by the time this is over, you may not remember how to put it back in.

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

So an industrial billionaire named Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henrickson), using satellites, discovers an ancient pyramid temple buried under the ice in Antarctica. He puts together a group of archaeologists and scientists to go check it out, but once there they soon figure out that it's a training ground for coming-of-age Predators, who come here to hunt Aliens, and that the expedition group are to be the hosts for these Aliens. Pretty good idea, so what happened?
I fear it's all Paul W.S. Anderson's fault. He wrote & directed this mess.
I didn't care about a single character, human or otherwise. When your movie's only 97 minutes long, who's got time to get to know characters?
The direction and editing are choppy. When the first big Predator & Alien fight occurs I could barely make out who was who and what was happening. I've waited all these years for this and now I can barely see it? What the fuck?

Plotholes & story continuity:

So, this movie takes place in the present, in 2004, which means that it's a sequel to the first two PREDATOR movies and a prequel to all the ALIEN movies if we're following some kind of coherent timeline. At the end we have a human survivor, equipped with a Predator weapon because I guess she's now been made an Honorary Predator. Anyway, after she makes it back to civilization, how, I don't know, wouldn't she spill the beans about everything she saw? Why is everyone so surprised by the appearance of the Aliens in subsequent films? Maybe the company kills her so she won't talk and then someday Ash (Ian Holm) can betray the crew of the Nostromo and then 57 years later Burke (Paul Reiser) could do the same to Ripley and the Marines?? Even in PREDATOR 2 they refer to Arnold and his team from the first movie.

In the original movie, the Alien seems to gestate inside of Kane for at least a couple of hours before interrupting his dinner and then I think it's about another couple of hours before Brett meets his fate at the hands of the adult Alien. In this movie, Aliens seem to mature from egg to adult in a matter of minutes! (They grow up so fast. Sniff.)

When our heroine spears an Alien shouldn't she have been splattered with Alien acid blood? At least a little?

If the Predators come to Earth to hunt Aliens in this temple, then why was the Predator in the original movie even bothering with Arnold and his crew? Target practice? Isn't it akin to hunting kittens when you're used to hunting mountain lions?

The cast was dull and were all playing stock characters. Not a memorable one in the bunch. The tough chick, the brainy guy, the wimpy guy, etc. (yawn)

I hated the idea of a Predator teaming up with a human girl to fight their common enemy. He should've just snapped her in half the first time she got loud with him.

The spear & shield made from Alien remains? Silly.

I've seen characters in movies outrun explosions before, but the explosion in this movie was so massive that all I could think was shouldn't they at least be singed? They weren't that far ahead of it. And how did she, with those short legs, keep up with that really tall Predator? See, when a movie's not that good, your mind wanders and you think about shit like that.

The F/X were good, I even liked the "bullet time" facehuggers, but the whole movie just seemed kind of "small" somehow. I always expected an "AVP" movie to be kind of epic, but here even the temple didn't seem nearly as grand as it should've been.

Because of the PG-13 rating, everything seemed like ALIEN LITE. This is the first Alien movie where they cut away from everything we've already seen in all the other Alien movies. It's definitely trying to appeal to the kids who have played the AVP video games and read the comics, but it's forgotten about the adults who first made these franchises what they are.

You could see that ending coming a mile away.

END OF SPOILERS!

Still, I enjoyed it more than VAN HELSING. But not that much more.

[Quorthon]

Hey, Heini Sky, you reminded me why I love reading excellent reviews of crappy things. And by god, there was so much crap I missed! I can't believe I gave this film as high as a 2 on imdb.com! I think it was because the Aliens and Predators actually looked pretty nice--but after 6 films, they'd better be able to make 'em look good.

That Batman vs. Aliens vs. Predators short film online was better. A LOT better.

[Heineken Skywalker]

Quorthon said:

Hey, Heini Sky, you reminded me why I love reading excellent reviews of crappy things.
...the Aliens and Predators actually looked pretty nice--but after 6 films, they'd better be able to make 'em look good.

That Batman vs. Aliens vs. Predators short film online was better. A LOT better.

I thank you sir, writing reviews of bad films seems to always be more fun than writing them of good films.
Yeah, I think it was a given that the Aliens & Predators would at least look good in this movie. God, they couldn't have screwed that up too, could they??
That Batman short rocked and was far more respectful of all three of those franchises than either AVP or BATMAN & ROBIN.

[Quorthon]

All I saw of Batman & Robin was Ahhhnold thumping around and saying, "Ice to seee you." That was all I could take.

Anyone know where that Batman/Alien/Predator film could be downloaded?

[Phoenix]

Quorthon said:

All I saw of Batman & Robin was Ahhhnold thumping around and saying, "Ice to seee you." That was all I could take.

Anyone know where that Batman/Alien/Predator film could be downloaded?

Batman: Dead End can be downloaded here:

www.theforce.net/fanfilms/nonsw/batman_deadend/index.asp

It's pretty much where every site links to. I hadn't seen it in a long time but I agree it's still very cool!

[Bartwald]

Phoenix said:

It's pretty much where every site links to. I hadn't seen it in a long time but I agree it's still very cool!

It's nice enough. Not much content but a cool dark mood - and Batman spitting blood.

[slayrrr666]

Finally saw it, didn't think too much of it. PG-13 rating is the worst thing in the world that could've happened to the film. My friend has the Unrated version of the film, have yet to see that one, but when I will, hopefully it'll be better than this dreck.

[Termination]

All the director has to do to make a PG-13 film rated "R" is have an actor say "Fuck" more than once. Thats it!

I watched a doc from some film I can't remember, maybe Million Dollar Baby. The "F" word is used once in Million Dollar Baby & if it was used twice the MPAA would rate the film "R"

[slayrrr666]

That's the general consesus. Two fucks and it's an R.

[Quorthon]

My wife claims that "cock" is an R-rated word, too.

I say, it's a PG-13 word.

"Cunt" and "Twat," though, are R words.

So where does that leave "Cornhole?"

[johnnycage10]

Yo, I think you guys covered every single negative factor on the trauma that was 2004's AvP. I agree with all of it, Q, good job on describing that piece of s**t.

I do love Batman : Dead End. So figured I should add my review of it here, since I'd rather not write one on 2004's AvP, as it always raises my blood pressure when I think of that garbage.

--------------

This gorgeous piece of film is the true Aliens Vs Predator, unlike the $60-million piece of garbage that was released in 2004, and it's the true sequel to the great Alien and Predator films of the 1980's and 1990's. For starters, it was smart enough to carry the same music from the Predator films. Just goes to show you - don't fix what ain't broke.

Batman and the Joker were great, in both appearance (nice make-up and clothes) and personality (both characters squeezed as much emotion, background and depth in the few lines they had as humanly possible). Very cool fight scenes in addition to that.

I initially thought the fact that Batman won the fight against the Predator shouldn't have happened (though it WAS a great fight), but then I remembered what happened at the end. Other Predators were chuckling after Batman won and (of course) spared the initial Predator's life, so I'm thinking the other Preds were older and evaluating Batman's opponent's performance, who was just a student.

It's a must-see for any Batman or Predator fan. The Alien monster didn't have a lot to do here, so I wouldn't feel right about recommending this film to hardcore fans of the great Alien movies only, not if those fans don't enjoy Batman or Predator. That's because the Alien is only on the screen for a few seconds, and the time/energy spent finding this film may not prove worth it if one is only wishing to see Aliens. But for Batman or Pred fans, the search is very much worth the effort.

My one and ONLY complaint - it was too short!

I wanted to see more. For instance, how did Batman survive at the end? Personally, I think that Robin or Nightwing flew by in the Batwing and gave him a quick ride out of that place. And second, I want to see everyone's reaction to this fight, mostly Batman's and the student Pred who had lost to him. There's Batman trying to figure out the identity of the new creatures he had come across and the threat they pose to the world, while searching for the Joker, or what's left of the Joker.

And there's the Pred trying to make sense out of what had just happened to him. I'm sure that with all the clap-trap student Preds are fed about the "honor" of hunting and killing creatures who never did anything to them, they're always told that the universe is full of instances where you either kill or are killed, even when skipping the obvious problem where Preds are the ones who attack first, in many instances hunting creatures who are not aggressive towards them. So would this student Pred wonder why this supposedly deadly human spared his life? And would it make him question all the teachings his world has been feeding him?

In an ideal situation, the Pred breaks rank from his elders, finds the Batcave, and demands to know why Batman spared his life, as he can't stand the "shame" of being alive after losing a battle that was instigated for no reason other than to fight. And Batman smacks him in the back of the head and tells him to get real, since honor is when a warrior defends those who are weaker than him, as opposed to just starting random fights with strangers. And then Batman, Robin and the enlightened Pred team up to clean up Gotham City as much as possible.

Hey, a fan can dream

Hopefully one day, Sandy and the rest of the crew will get enough funding to make a long AVP film. But if not, then I wish them luck in future projects.

Fight on!