Maxim's 14 Worst Christmas Movies

[ZapRowsdower]

After seeing this list - yeah, a few of those titles (mind you, very few) deserve to be there. One of the movies on the list, they admit to never having seen. The irony of all this, the TRULY worst Christmas movies, such as Santa with Muscles, Deck the Halls, the Santa Clause 3 and Santa Claus Conquers the Martians are all absent from this list.

But judging from this list, I'm convinced - especially by their outrageous #1 pick - Maxim should never, ever talk about movies. Ever. They need to get back to talking about women, because that is ALL they seem to know.

Here's the list: www.maximonline.com/Entertainment/Thecrappiestchristmasmovies/slideshow/251.aspx?src=icm:MTd

Or if you don't want to go 14 pages, here's the condensed version with my commentary.

14. Jingle All the Way (It wasn't good, but I could sit through it alright)

13. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Jim Carrey Version) (When I worked retail, they played this movie so much in my store it literally drove me nuts. I still don't believe it belongs on this list. It's mediocre, but not "worst" material).

12. Home Alone (Sorry, you can't justify this being on any "Worst Movies" list. You just can't. It's a modern holiday classic.)

11. Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol (I've never seen it. They put it on there because of its exploitation of the blind - trying to justify their exploitation of women.)

10. Christmas with the Kranks (Hey, they got one. I'm surprised.)

9. The Polar Express (It's not among Zemeckis' best - the guy was still experementing with that style of animation. But Tom Hanks and Alan Silvestri's score really save that movie. My quip for the Grinch also applies here.)

8. Christmas Mountain: The Story of a Cowboy Angel (I've never heard of it, and this is the one they've never seen. It was thrown in because of the title. Ironically, they suggested a remake with Rob Schneider. Yes, these people know comedy alright.

7. Scrooged. (Go to Hell, Maxim.)

6. Benji's Very Own Christmas Story (I wonder if they really had to have fourteen movies on this list, because they really dipped into the obscure here. I didn't even know Benji had a Christmas story.)

5. One Magic Christmas (If there's a movie I've never heard of on a worst movies list, I want to hear a little bit about the movie that tells me why it sucks, other than "was so-and-so-actor drunk or broke when he accepted this role?" and "a brief plot description from IMDb.com".)

4. Miracle on 34th Street (1994 version) (I actually liked this one. I don't know if I'm in the minority of liking it, but I really don't believe it has any place on this list.)

3. The Santa Clause 2 (Really? Part TWO? NOT three? Really?)

2. Surviving Christmas (Did it get a tad annoying? Yes. But this wasn't without a few saving graces - for example, being somewhat funny. Essentially, they threw this one in to take a shot at Ben Affleck. Hey guys, Ben Affleck bashing is no longer in. Get with the program.)

And this one is REALLY gonna grind your gears... Ready?

1. It's a Wonderful Life (Because it advocates NOT committing suicide? They throw what is basically the ultimate Christmas movie - the Citizen Kane of Christmas movies and named it the worst Christmas movie of all time. If they did a little more research (which I'm sure they did, otherwise they wouldn't have picked up those obscure titles) - Hell, all they needed to do was check IMDb's bottom 100. Santa with Muscles! Come on! The Santa Clause 2 should have triggered something. Like Hey, part 3 is worse. But It's a Wonderful Life is the worst of all time, huh? Not enough big-chested women for you to exploit?)

I don't normally complain about other people's opinions, but if you're writing articles about movies, know what you're talking about!

1.

[Quorthon]

I'm sorry man, but making fun of Ben Affleck is always acceptable. That will never go out of style. He's going to be the next Chuck Norris as far as internet anti-fans are concerned.


Maxim is usually about as wrong with their video game coverage from my experience. They don't know what they're talking about unless it's... well... I don't know. Do they even really get the exploitation of female bodies right? Nah, Playboy gets that right. Maxim is like most psuedo-porn magazines: Typically second-rate in every way.


Also, the best Christmas entertainment ever was the He-Man Christmas Special from the 80's. Dude, two kidnapped kids from Earth taught Skeletor the meaning of Christmas--while they were in his possession!!!

Best line:
The kids are telling Skeletor about "giving" and the giving of presents to other people.

Skeletor: "Do these presents explode when people open them?!"

Oh dude, little kid me was laughing my ass off over that one back then. I still think it's funny.

[frankenjohn]

Yeah, Jingle all the Way? Uh, holiday classic. Or guilty pleasure.

[Pulpmariachi]

Though, Zap, did Maxim ever know much about women in the first place?

[ZapRowsdower]

pulpmariachi said:

Though, Zap, did Maxim ever know much about women in the first place?

You make a good point. What, exactly, is Maxim good for anyway?

[slayrrr666]

First of all, horror geek coming out but what about a killer santa film? Silent Night, Deadly Night really should've been on the list if they're going to do worst due mainly for the fact that it was one of the only films to ever get pulled from a theatrical release after it had started due to the protests involving a Santa going around killing people. It's not terrible, but if they're going for exploiting such themes in the magazine, what's wrong with this one?

As for the list itself, I've seen Jingle All the Way, Home Alone, Christmas with the Kranks, Scrooged and the Miracle of 34th Street remake and frankly none of them are really all that bad. Maybe Miracle as I was forced into watching it at school one day when they were trying to cram holiday traditions down our throat the last week and I never really enjoyed doing that anyway, but frankly I've enjoyed all those I've seen. Would never really own one on my own, but for wasting an hour and a half with the family around this time of year, they're standable. From reading the others, that's about what the others are.

[Quorthon]

iamthesmitty said:

pulpmariachi said:

Though, Zap, did Maxim ever know much about women in the first place?

You make a good point. What, exactly, is Maxim good for anyway?

It's porn for guys to timid to buy real porn.

[Heineken Skywalker]

You can't trust any "Worst Christmas Movies" list that doesn't include "SANTA CLAUSE CONQUERS THE MARTIANS", but does include IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE. Like Zap said, the "CITIZEN KANE" of Christmas movies and just a damn good movie in general. The writers clearly had their heads up their asses when they came up with this list.

On Maxim the magazine itself, I have no problem buying real porn, Q, but I used to have a subscription to the magazine. What can I say, there really were some good articles in it. Whether news expose stuff, informational/educational or just downright funny. As for the pics of the babes that were featured, those were good too. And they tended to be "name" actresses or celebrities who would never appear completely nude in something like "Playboy", but were willing to strip down to a bikini or a thong in "Maxim". As a a red-blooded heterosexual male, all I can say is, "Ain't nothin' wrong with that." ;D

[Quorthon]

heinekenskywalker said:

On Maxim the magazine itself, I have no problem buying real porn, Q, but I used to have a subscription to the magazine. What can I say, there really were some good articles in it. Whether news expose stuff, informational/educational or just downright funny. As for the pics of the babes that were featured, those were good too. And they tended to be "name" actresses or celebrities who would never appear completely nude in something like "Playboy", but were willing to strip down to a bikini or a thong in "Maxim". As a a red-blooded heterosexual male, all I can say is, "Ain't nothin' wrong with that." ;D

That "porn for guys to timid to buy real porn" was a phrase I'd heard somewhere else some years back describing magazines like FHM (the European version of which actually does feature nudity) or Maxim or Stuff. I liked how it sounded and have adopted the phrase into my general being. On occasion, I have purchased some of these as well--I think two of the very few that I purchased were for spreads of Alyssa Milano (rawr!).

They have some humorous stuff in them, but generally don't know a damn thing about things like movies, music, and especially, video games. Their tastes are either all over the place or they're trying overly hard to be "stereotypical dude" flavors. For instance, listing gratuitously violent video games as good because of the gratuitous violence, and listing nothing of the gameplay. Things like that. The only places to get good, accurate, reviews of video games are gamer-themed places like IGN.com or GameSpot.com or the like.

[Heineken Skywalker]

quorthon said:

They have some humorous stuff in them, but generally don't know a damn thing about things like movies, music, and especially, video games. Their tastes are either all over the place or they're trying overly hard to be "stereotypical dude" flavors.

I'll agree with that point, but I never bought it for any of those things anyway.

Anyway, let's get back to bashing that list.
"IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE" Morons.