The 2nd Annual Golden Asshat Awards

[ZapRowsdower]

WORST PICTURE
Alone in the Dark
Are We There Yet?
Rebound
Son of the Mask
The Honeymooners

WORST ACTOR
Vin Diesel for The Pacifier
Martin Lawrence for Rebound
Frankie Muniz for Racing Stripes
Christian Slater for Alone in the Dark
The Rock for Doom

WORST ACTRESS
Cécile de France (English dubbing) for Haute tension (High Tension)
Lena Headey for The Cave
Natalie Portman for Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith
Tara Reid for Alone in the Dark
Christina Ricci for Cursed

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Brian Dennehy for Assault on Precinct 13
David Dorfman for The Ring Two
Alessandro Gassman for Transporter 2
Ashton Holmes for A History of Violence
Max Thieriot for The Pacifier

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Penelope Cruz for Sahara
Paris Hilton for House of Wax
Traylor Howard for Son of the Mask
Alicia Silverstone for Beauty Shop
Ashlee Simpson for Undiscovered

THE EDWARD D. WOOD JR. AWARD FOR WORST DIRECTION
Uwe Boll for Alone in the Dark
Lawrence Guterman for Son of the Mask
Brian Levant for Are We There Yet?
Hideo Nakata for The Ring Two
Lee Tomahori for xXx: State of the Union

WORST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Steven Gary Banks, Claudia Grazioso, J. David Stem, and David N. Weiss – Are We There Yet?
Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon – The Pacifier
Simon Kinberg – xXx: State of the Union
Marc Lawrence – Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous
Jon Lucas and Scott Moore - Rebound

WORST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Barry W. Blaustein, Danny Jacobson, Don Rhymer, David Sheffield – The Honeymooners
Lance Khazei – Son of the Mask
Ehren Kruger – The Ring Two
Elan Mastai, Michael Roesch, and Peter Scheerer – Alone in the Dark
Josh Olson – A History of Violence

WORST ONE-LINER
“I can’t get up the stairs.” –The Skeleton Key
“It looks like we’re going to a war!” –Alone in the Dark
“It’s a key.” –Alone in the Dark
“I’ve found you!” –The Ring Two
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” –Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

ACHIEVEMENT IN OVERRATED STATUS
A History of Violence
Syriana
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

MOST OFFENSIVE TO THE EYES
A Sound of Thunder
Domino
Son of the Mask
The Ring Two
xXx: State of the Union

WORST CRITIC OF 2005
Nicholas Schager, who had these words of "wisdom"...

"65 years after John Ford's wrenching The Grapes of Wrath, Hollywood seems to have concluded that the Great Depression was, in fact, a pretty great time to be alive." (Cinderella Man)

"As regressively conservative as it is trailblazing." (Brokeback Mountain)

"Fitfully extraordinary yet largely lackluster." (King Kong)
"Never comes close to expressing the insanity of war itself." (Jarhead)

"Unbalanced... disingenuous... cares no more about Africa than do the story’s evil villains at a make-believe drug company." (The Constant Gardener)

"Comes pretty close to [being] finger-licking good." (The Dukes of Hazzard)

WAIT A MINUTE. Cinderella Man - bad. Brokeback Mountain - bad. Jarhead - bad. The Constant Gardener - bad. The Dukes of Hazzard - "finger-licking good"? To not like four of the year's best films, and at the same time like one of the year's most intellectually devoid TV remakes... I suppose that's what turned the handle that flushed this guy's credibility down the toilet.

ASSHAT OF THE YEAR
Andrzej Bartkowiak for thinking filming a scene in First Person Shooter was a good idea.
Uwe Boll, for shitting on yet another classic video game.
Lawrence Guterman, for not having learned from Dumb and Dumberer that sequels to Jim Carrey movies without Jim Carrey in them don’t do so well.
Hideo Nakata, for pulling a Stephen Sommers on The Ring Two.
Josh Olson, who can’t write a teenage character worth a shit.

[Quorthon]

Worst one liner: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" by Darth Tantrum, er, Vader.

Worst "Nooo" in film history.

[Termination]

I don't think so... & Disagree with these...

WORST PICTURE

Alone in the Dark
Are We There Yet?

WORST ACTOR

Christian Slater

WORST ACTRESS

Natalie Portman
Tara Reid
Christina Ricci

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Brian Dennehy
David Dorfman

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Paris Hilton

WORST DIRECTION

Alone in the Dark
Are We There Yet?
The Ring Two
xXx: State of the Union

WORST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Are We There Yet?
xXx: State of the Union
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

WORST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

The Ring Two
Alone in the Dark

WORST ONE-LINER

Huh? Oh Kay

MOST OFFENSIVE TO THE EYES

Hmm.. Uh, movie fans?.... nope

ASSHAT OF THE YEAR

"Andrzej Bartkowiak for thinking filming a scene in First Person Shooter was a good idea." Funny, most good Horror films were shot "first person" duhhh

ok I'm done.

[ZapRowsdower]

Wow, you REALLY disagree with Alone in the Dark being on the list? That's like Plan 9 From Outer Space 2005.

And by offensive to the eyes, I mean anything visual. I mean, bad cinematography, bad special effects, bad sets, etc.

And my problem wasn't the first person. It was the first person shooter. Like the video game. If I don't have a controller in my hands, what's the point?

And I don't know about you, Are We There Yet really offended me. As did the Ring Two, xXx 2, and Brian Dennehy's performance in Assault on Precinct 13.

And as for Natalie Portman, I feel she is an excellent actress. I also feel that Revenge of the Sith was an excellent film. But her performance in Revenge of the Sith was very unsatisfying. Sometimes she was good, but others... yeesh...

[Quorthon]

I personally don't think History of Violence deserves to be on that list. Sure, it was overrated to some people, but a lot of people still loved it. If you're going to put HoV as overrated, you ought to also have King Kong up there.

Smitty apparently has the same vendetta against HoV that I do against PG-13 horror films.

[ZapRowsdower]

I don't hate HoV. I DID hate Ashton Holmes IN HoV. I also hated the screenplay of HoV. But I did not hate the movie itself.

[Phoenix]

I'm glad Ring Two and Syriana made your list in some form!

[ZapRowsdower]

I wanted to nominate Syriana for more, but there weren't enough films to fit the "Most Boring" category.

[Heineken Skywalker]

iamthesmitty said:

I don't hate HoV. I DID hate Ashton Holmes IN HoV. I also hated the screenplay of HoV. But I did not hate the movie itself.

You sure have a funny way of showing how much you don't hate HOV. Even though you gave it a better than average review, I don't think you've missed an opportunity yet to rip on it.

[ZapRowsdower]

That's true. I DID give it a better than average review. The film itself does stand out over must of the tripe that has been released this year, but I wouldn't rank it up there with the greats (Munich, Brokeback Mountain, etc.)

And I should also mention that I criticized the screenplay AND Ashton Holmes in my review. Those are the two factors that really hurt the film.

[Heineken Skywalker]

iamthesmitty said:

That's true. I DID give it a better than average review. The film itself does stand out over must of the tripe that has been released this year, but I wouldn't rank it up there with the greats (Munich, Brokeback Mountain, etc.)

And I should also mention that I criticized the screenplay AND Ashton Holmes in my review. Those are the two factors that really hurt the film.

If there's that much tripe released couldn't you have come up with some other movie to harp on? I think you're just bugged that a lot of other people enjoyed the movie, and it's even getting some critical acclaim, so you have to take these little digs at it every chance you get. I didn't think it was perfect either, but like you said, it stands out over most of the tripe that's released. Movies that are better than most shouldn't be nominated for your Asshat Awards, imo. With all the crap that's released every year, these are really examples of the worst?

As for Natalie Portman being one of the five worst actresses of the year? Seriously? She can't get involved in the "action" scenes because her character is pregnant. So she has nothing to do, but stand around and cry and worry until it's time to give birth. I don't think that's necessarily a bad performance. Her character is merely a device servicing the story, but her performance itself wasn't really any worse here than in Episodes I or II. She just had a lot less to do.
Wasn't Jessica Simpson in that DUKES OF HAZZARD movie? Where's her nomination? This non-actress gave a better performance than Natalie Portman? I hear her southern accent was questionable and isn't she from the fucking south? I think maybe you were blinded by her Daisy Dukes.

[Quorthon]

I didn't see Dukes of Hazzard, but I'd have to agree with Heiney here, I have serious doubts that Natalie Portman was the worst actress--or even close for that matter. Sure, Episode III wasn't her best performance ever, but it was far better than a lot of what came out last year. Personally, I thought Hayden Christenson did a worse job than she did. "You have [furrow brow] betrayed [furrow brow] me! [furrow brow] I [furrow furrow] trusted you!"

Oh, he cracks me up.

[ZapRowsdower]

Indeed I was somewhat blinded by the Dukes. And it was hard giving a nomination to one of my favorite modern day actresses in one of the better movies this year, but her delivery was very off in this film. It wasn't that she had few lines, it's just that she delivered them poorly. I somewhat blame Lucas for giving her the bad material to work with.

The reason Jessica Simpson did not get a nomination is quite simple: The Dukes of Hazzard did not take itself seriously. They knew it was just check-your-brain-at-the-door entertainment, and just ran with it. Natalie Portman's character on the other hand was on a really emotional, tragic, somewhat operatic film that in a way DID take itself seriously. And after knocking me out TWICE last year (Garden State and Closer), to see her give a half-assed performance in this film was a real downer.

And some good movies do have bad aspects in them. I address the bad aspects of A History of Violence. Notice I did not nominate it for worst picture (far from it), worst director (far from it), or any of the actors other than that whiny son of his.

Note that just because something is nominated doesn't mean it will win. The winners will be announced later today.

[Termination]

Jessica Simpson *drool* Yes why not the nomination *drool* ;D

[ZapRowsdower]

WORST PICTURE

Alone in the Dark - This really should not come as a surprise to anybody. This was THE classic bad movie for 2005. It's based on a video game, directed by someone who many claim to be the modern day Ed Wood, terrible acting, and Tara Reid playing a scientist. Come to think of it, this film is WORTH watching just to see how terrible it is. This is the kind of movie the guys at MST3K wouldn't do because it's funny enough without them. Keep up the crappy work, Uwe Boll. Looking forward to Bloodrayne.

RUNNERS-UP:
Are We There Yet?
Rebound
Son of the Mask
The Honeymooners

All four of these suffer from the same problem: they are among the unfunniest pieces of shit ever created.

WORST ACTOR

The Rock for Doom - I consider the Rock to be a pretty decent action star, but after watching him fail at the Scorpion King, Walking Tall and Doom, I think he should really stick to comedy. And they really should not allow him to cuss in his movies. Ever. Because evidently, the Rock gets excited about cussing. "What the FFFFFUCK are you talking about?" "Semper fi, motherFFFFFUCKer." Well, maybe you should learn how to FFFFUCKing act, because I am having a FFFFFFUCKing hard time smellin' exactly what the Rock is cookin'.

RUNNERS-UP:
Vin Diesel for The Pacifier - He wasn't good for drama, so we thought he'd be good at comedy. We thought wrong.
Martin Lawrence for Rebound - Remember when Martin Lawrence was funny? Yeah, me neither.
Frankie Muniz for Racing Stripes - "Figures... all talk and no action."
Christian Slater for Alone in the Dark - Not the best film to make a comeback with, Mr. Slater. Try again. On second thought, no, don't.

WORST ACTRESS

Tara Reid for Alone in the Dark - Anyone else agree that casting this bitch as a scientist was a really dumb decision? Because I thought in order to be a scientist, you'd have to be significantly smarter than your average pre-schooler.

RUNNERS-UP:
Cécile de France (English dubbing) for Haute tension (High Tension) - Note to distributors: dubbing is ALWAYS a bad idea.
Lena Headey for The Cave - Yawn. Cliché.
Natalie Portman for Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith - Last year, Natalie Portman gave two performances worthy of an Oscar. This year, I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe she felt like she was obligated to do the film. Not a good sign.
Christina Ricci for Cursed - I like Christina Ricci, just not in that movie. Her character was one you were supposed to root for. I wasn't rooting for her.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Max Thieriot for The Pacifier - In 1965, Julie Andrews breathed life into the hills with the Sound of Music, and the hills lived a long and healthy life up until March 2005, when Max Thieriot's horrid rendition of "Sixteen Going On Seventeen" took it away. R.I.P. Hills; 1965-2005.

RUNNERS-UP:
Brian Dennehy for Assault on Precinct 13 - Can anyone say bad casting? It's bad enough that he's the generic old cop who's about to retire. But he's just so damn annoying!
David Dorfman for The Ring Two - In order for a horror movie to be successful, you want something to NOT happen to the character. And I wanted it to happen to him. Real bad.
Alessandro Gassman for Transporter 2 - This was a joke. One of the worst-played, generic villains I have ever seen.
Ashton Holmes for A History of Violence - This whiny son of a bitch is an insult to teenagers everywhere.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Paris Hilton for House of Wax
Ashlee Simpson for Undiscovered - Do I need to explain this? It's Paris fucking Hilton and Ashlee fucking Simpson! The two most annoying, obnoxious, how-in-fuck's-sake-did-they-ever-become-famous-in-the-first-place celebrities out there!

RUNNERS-UP:
Penelope Cruz for Sahara - I'm not one to be bothered by accents. But I was bothered by her accent.
Traylor Howard for Son of the Mask - Another annoying aspect of an annoying movie.
Alicia Silverstone for Beauty Shop - Ok, so how many times has this white-girl-acting-black shit been done? And an accent like that couldn't have been ridiculous on purpose.

THE EDWARD D. WOOD JR. AWARD FOR WORST DIRECTION

Uwe Boll for Alone in the Dark - Congratulations, Mr. Uwe Boll. You are officially the world's worst film director since Ed Wood. Bad editing, crappy out-of-place German music to accompany a crappy out-of-place sex scene, casting Tara Reid as a scientist, putting a washed up drug addict in the lead role... I'm going to make a biopic about your life later on. The actor who plays Christian Slater will win an Oscar for it.

RUNNERS-UP:
Lawrence Guterman for Son of the Mask - Lack of humor or coherent story aside, bad visual effects, offensive to the eyes and ears, a sequel nobody asked for, I can go on and on.
Brian Levant for Are We There Yet? - Fuck you, and fuck your talking bobblehead doll. Asshole.
Hideo Nakata for The Ring Two - Director of the original Japanese film Ringu, how does it feel to know that Gore Verbinski's American remake is superior to both your original film AND your shitty sequel with bad visual effects and the removal of the creepy atmosphere that made the first one so great?
Lee Tomahori for xXx: State of the Union - Did xXx deserve a sequel? Does making action sequences look more ridiculous the second time around make for a better movie? Is making the shit you tried to make us believe in Die Another Day seem possible by comparison make you a good director? The answer to all of these questions is... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

WORST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Jon Lucas and Scott Moore - Rebound - If you find out Martin Lawrence is the one who's going to be the lead actor in your script, you know you fucked up. Unless you wrote it for Martin Lawrence, in which case, just fucking kill yourself.

RUNNERS-UP:
Steven Gary Banks, Claudia Grazioso, J. David Stem, and David N. Weiss – Are We There Yet? - There are many ways one can fuck up a movie about two kids pulling pranks on a grown-up... and it seems you guys have tried just about all of them. The talking bobble-head doll makes this a very close second.
Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon – The Pacifier - The funniest thing about this movie is a duck.
Simon Kinberg – xXx: State of the Union - Oh, look at me. I'm Ice Cube. And I'm saying cool things. At least I think they sound cool.
Marc Lawrence – Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous - When you look at what could have been, and then you realize... the first one was good, but it didn't deserve a sequel. If it MUST have a sequel, why not throw in a joke, you know? Shouldn't a comedy have jokes? Just a thought. And make the leading guy in the first one out to be an asshole whose face doesn't even show in the movie because Benjamin Bratt probably didn't even want to do it. Yeah... when a guy who appeared in Catwoman won't do your script, you must have written a real shitty script.

WORST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Barry W. Blaustein, Danny Jacobson, Don Rhymer, David Sheffield – The Honeymooners - I can handle a remake of a classic sitcom. I can handle the modernization of the classic sitcom. Hell, I can even handle the change of race in all the characters of the classic sitcom. What I CAN'T handle is the removal of anything remotely funny from the classic sitcom. Just hope we don't cross paths one of these days, writers, because if we do... POW! Write in the kisser! It ain't that great, but at least it's better than the shit you've tried to feed us... And I really will sock you.

RUNNERS-UP:
Lance Khazei – Son of the Mask - Sure, write a movie about the dancing baby from Allie McBeal. You must have a lot of material for it. Oh, wait. You had to throw in the Mask, too, right? To put a little backstory into it? Steal from Looney Tunes a little bit? God, you suck.
Ehren Kruger – The Ring Two - This was ridiculous on so many levels. Especially towards the end when the kid is almost fully possessed, the dialogue gets really bad. Oh, yeah. They turned the Ring into the fucking Exorcist... more like the Exorcist II, anyway.
Elan Mastai, Michael Roesch, and Peter Scheerer – Alone in the Dark - I really considered giving this one the award, but I hated the Honeymooners so much that I had to give that one something. Still, this is one of those screenplays that have to be seen to be believed. Plenty of unintentional humor, for those who are into that kind of thing.
Josh Olson – A History of Violence - As someone who graduated from high school not even three years ago, I was highly offended by Olsen's screenplay. He should really spend some time in high school and listen to the way teenagers really talk. They don't talk like that. And they don't beat each other up over baseball games. Not only that, it has trouble deciding whether it wants to be a cheesy movie or a dramatic one. Make up your fucking mind!

WORST ONE-LINER

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” –Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith - Love this movie or hate it, this has to be the mother of all bad one-liners. It's amazing how fast this one-liner has become an infamous part of our pop culture. When you say, "I thought Revenge of the Sith was great, except for one thing..." most everybody knows what you're talking about. Thank you, James Earl Jones. That was quite a delivery.

RUNNERS-UP:
“I can’t get up the stairs.” –The Skeleton Key - Um... that was subtle.
“It looks like we’re going to a war!” –Alone in the Dark - O RLY?
“It’s a key.” –Alone in the Dark - NO FUCKING SHIT!
“I’ve found you!” –The Ring Two - WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING? YOU'RE DEAD! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BE CREEPY! And what happened to Daveigh Chase?

ACHIEVEMENT IN OVERRATED STATUS

Syriana - If I had more movies to fit the category, this would also win the Asshat for MOST BORING. Critics love it because it's so political and important. FUCK ALL THAT. If you want to make a political statement, do it on CNN or Fox News depending on your political affiliation. If you're gonna do it in a movie, make sure there's some kind of entertainment value, make sure you're not just saying something everyone already knows, and most importantly, make sure everyone cares. Because I sure as Hell didn't.

RUNNERS-UP:
A History of Violence - Golden Globe nomination for Best Picture? OVER Munich and King Kong? Oh, fuck you guys.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants - Critics loved this one for some reason. I thought it was just so-so. I can handle a chick flick, but this is a chick flick that even some girls aren't feminine enough to handle. I mean, the movie was made for teenage girls. What is the big fucking deal?

MOST OFFENSIVE TO THE EYES

Domino - This would have caused thousands upon thousands of seizures across the country if people actually saw it. Director Tony Scott thought it was a good idea to film the movie in the same synapse-blasting manner the trailer was edited to look like. He thought wrong. And I am very angry at him for it.

RUNNERS-UP:
A Sound of Thunder - The effects in the trailer looked terrible. The film was released a year later. And the effects still were terrible.
Son of the Mask - Your CGI skills are shit.
The Ring Two - CGI deer?! What the fuck is wrong with you people? And that scene was totally unnecessary!
xXx: State of the Union - Ridiculous. Just like Torque, 2 Fast 2 Furious, or any other movie that this is like.

WORST CRITIC OF 2005
Nicholas Schager, who had these words of "wisdom"...

"65 years after John Ford's wrenching The Grapes of Wrath, Hollywood seems to have concluded that the Great Depression was, in fact, a pretty great time to be alive." (Cinderella Man)

"As regressively conservative as it is trailblazing." (Brokeback Mountain)

"Fitfully extraordinary yet largely lackluster." (King Kong)

"Never comes close to expressing the insanity of war itself." (Jarhead)

"Unbalanced... disingenuous... cares no more about Africa than do the story’s evil villains at a make-believe drug company." (The Constant Gardener)

"Comes pretty close to [being] finger-licking good." (The Dukes of Hazzard)

WAIT A MINUTE. Cinderella Man - bad. Brokeback Mountain - bad. King Kong - bad. Jarhead - bad. The Constant Gardener - bad. The Dukes of Hazzard - "finger-licking good"? To not like five of the year's best films, and at the same time like one of the year's most intellectually devoid TV remakes... I suppose that's what turned the handle that flushed this guy's credibility down the toilet.

ASSHAT OF THE YEAR
Hideo Nakata, for pulling a Stephen Sommers on The Ring Two. - Think about it, this was the director of the original Japanese movie Ringu... the one that was remade by Gore Verbinski in 2002. You'd think that the director of the original Ringu would make a scarier movie than Gore Verbinski, right? Well, he removes the creepy atmosphere set by Verbinski, removes anything remotely scary, and makes something he thinks everybody wants to see. Much like Stephen Sommers did with Van Helsing, Nakata took what should have been a great movie, and made it into one of the worst movies of the year. Way to go, sir. You are Asshat 2005.

RUNNERS-UP:
Andrzej Bartkowiak for thinking filming a scene in First Person Shooter was a good idea.
Uwe Boll, for shitting on yet another classic video game.
Lawrence Guterman, for not having learned from Dumb and Dumberer that sequels to Jim Carrey movies without Jim Carrey in them don’t do so well.
Josh Olson, who can’t write a teenage character worth a shit.