First Annual Golden Snootch Awards AKA Snootchies

[ZapRowsdower]

This is pretty much my own personal counterpart to the Golden Asshat, except this time I acknowledge GOOD movies. These are NOT our Oscars, that is in another thread.

BEST PICTURE
Aviator, The
Finding Neverland
Hotel Rwanda
Million Dollar Baby
Passion of the Christ, The

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
James Caviezel in Passion of the Christ, The
Don Cheadle in Hotel Rwanda
Johnny Depp in Finding Neverland
Leonardo DiCaprio in Aviator, The
Jamie Foxx in Ray

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Bryce Dallas Howard in Village, The
Julia Roberts in Closer
Emmy Rossum in Phantom of the Opera, The
Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby
Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Gerard Butler in Phantom of the Opera, The
David Carradine in Kill Bill: Vol. 2
Morgan Freeman in Million Dollar Baby
Peter O'Toole in Troy
Clive Owen in Closer

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Cate Blanchett in Aviator, The
Minnie Driver in Phantom of the Opera, The
Maia Morgenstern in Passion of the Christ, The
Sophie Okonedo in Hotel Rwanda
Natalie Portman in Closer

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Pam Brady, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone -- Team America: World Police
Zach Braff -- Garden State
Terry George and Keir Pearson -- Hotel Rwanda
Charlie Kaufman -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Quentin Tarantino -- Kill Bill: Vol. 2

BEST SCREENPLAY BASED ON ANOTHER MEDIUM PREVIOUSLY PRODUCED OR PUBLISHED
Benedict Fitzgerald and Mel Gibson -- Passion of the Christ, The
Paul Haggis -- Million Dollar Baby
David Magee -- Finding Neverland
Patrick Marber -- Closer
Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor -- Sideways

BEST DIRECTOR
Clint Eastwood -- Million Dollar Baby
Terry George -- Hotel Rwanda
Mel Gibson -- Passion of the Christ, The
Martin Scorsese -- Aviator, The
Quentin Tarantino -- Kill Bill: Vol. 2

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
Jon Brion -- I Heart Huckabees -- "Knock Yourself Out"
Trey Parker and Matt Stone -- Team America: World Police -- "Freedom Isn't Free"
Mark Collie -- Punisher, The -- "In Time"
Minnie Driver -- Phantom of the Opera, The -- "Learn to Be Lonely"
Josh Groban -- Troy -- "Remember"

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
Jon Brion -- I Heart Huckabees
John Debney -- Passion of the Christ, The
Michael Giacchino -- Incredibles, The
James Horner -- Troy
Howard Shore -- Aviator, The

BEST ONE-LINER
David Carradine -- Kill Bill: Vol. 2 -- "I'm sorry. I... overreacted."
Jon Heder -- Napoleon Dynamite -- "Idiot!"
Clive Owen -- Closer -- "...fuck off and die."
J.K. Simmons -- Spider-Man 2 -- RE: I really need the money. "Aww, Miss Brant? Get me a violin."
Naomi Watts -- I Heart Huckabees -- "Fuckabees."

BEST SCENE
Closer -- The argument between Larry and Anna when Anna confesses she's been cheating on him.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind -- Clementine plays the cassette tape in Joel's car.
Hotel Rwanda -- Paul, driving across a bumpy road in the fog realizes the road is covered with dead bodies.
Million Dollar Baby -- Frankie makes the most difficult decision he has ever had to make, and carries it out.
Passion of the Christ, The -- Jesus being nailed to the cross.

BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE
Blade: Trinity
Hellboy
Punisher, The
Spider-Man 2

COOLEST PICTURE
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
I, Robot
Napoleon Dynamite
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
Spider-Man 2

MOST UNDERRATED
Alexander
Meet the Fockers
Phantom of the Opera, The
Shall We Dance?
Surviving Christmas

BEST MALE PERFORMANCE NOBODY REMEMBERS
Zach Braff in Garden State
James Garner in Notebook, The
Brad Pitt in Troy
Kevin Spacey in Beyond the Sea
Mark Wahlberg in I Heart Huckabees

BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE NOBODY REMEMBERS
Raquel Castro in Jersey Girl
Scarlett Johansson in In Good Company
Gena Rowlands in Notebook, The
Meryl Streep in Manchurian Candidate, The
Naomi Watts in I Heart Huckabees

BEST SEX SCENE
Alexander -- Colin Farrell and Rosario Dawson, the most heterosexual scene in the entire movie.
EuroTrip -- Club Vandersexxx
Taking Lives -- Angelina Jolie and Ethan Hawke, for the unrated version.
Sideways -- Thomas Haden Church and Sandra Oh, doggie style
Team America: World Police -- Two marionettes. 'Nuff said.

BEST CAMEO
Matt Damon in EuroTrip
Topher Grace in Ocean's Twelve
Neil Patrick Harris in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
Chuck Norris in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Arnold Shwarzenegger in Around the World in 80 Days

BEST SEQUEL
Kill Bill: Vol. 2
Meet the Fockers
Ocean's Twelve
Shrek 2
Spider-man 2

FUNNIEST MOVIE
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
Shaun of the Dead
Team America: World Police

MOST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE
Steve Carell in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Nick Frost in Shaun of the Dead
Jon Heder in Napoleon Dynamite
Dustin Hoffman in Meet the Fockers
Barbra Streisand in Meet the Fockers

BEST HORROR
Blade: Trinity
Dawn of the Dead
Secret Window
Shaun of the Dead
Saw

MOST LIKELY TO BE CONSIDERED A CULT CLASSIC
Garden State
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
Napoleon Dynamite
Saw
Shaun of the Dead

[Phoenix]

When are you going to post your overall winners?

[ZapRowsdower]

Probably sometime next week

[ZapRowsdower]

Aviator, The

Martin Scorsese's three-hour biopic on Howard Hughes won over many people, myself included. The direction and cinematography were nothing short of brilliant, not to mention Leonardo DiCaprio's groundbreaking performance. This may be the first movie to win Scorsese his long-awaited Oscar.



Finding Neverland

One of the most beautiful films ever made. Excellent cast, and a subtle yet interesting script. This is to be ranked up there with such classics as The Cider House Rules and Good Will Hunting.



Hotel Rwanda

Critics are calling it this year's Schindler's List, and for good reason too, as this one's not far behind. One of the most powerful movies of the year, rivalled only by the likes of the Pianist.



Million Dollar Baby

The movie that stole the hype right out from under the Aviator, and many believe this is the one that's going to take home the Oscar. And why not? It IS one of the best movies this year.



Passion of the Christ, The

Redefining controversy, polarizing the world over, causing endless debates about alleged anti-semitism and Mel Gibson's refusal to give in to studio demands. What we have here is an extremely powerful biblical epic. If you look past the screen of religion, you will feel the intensity of this movie. Believer or not, this is one you shouldn't miss.

[ZapRowsdower]

James Caviezel in Passion of the Christ, The

It is extremely difficult to act in a dead language, but this man pulled it off. He put a lot of work into his portrayal of Christ, putting himself in painful situations, dislocating his shoulder, even being struck by lightning, to give us a performance we will all remember.



Don Cheadle in Hotel Rwanda

Without a doubt, Don Cheadle is one of the most underrated actors of all time, and it's great to see him finally get nominated for something. Yes, it was one of the greatest performances of the year. You will make no comparison between this character and any of his past characters, that's how powerful it is.



Johnny Depp in Finding Neverland

Scottish accents are hard. Trust me, it's one of the few accents I cannot mimic. Johnny Depp pulled it off with such perfection, and gave us such an incredible performance, it's no wonder he's receiving so much critical acclaim and so many award considerations.



Leonardo DiCaprio in Aviator, The

I'm sure everyone was surprised by DiCaprio's performance. Before this (and after Gilbert Grape), his performances have been pretty mediocre, GOOD at best. This was DiCaprio's best performance since What's Eating Gilbert Grape, not to mention one of the most memorable performances of all time.



Jamie Foxx in Ray

It would be very hard for this guy NOT to receive a nomination. Considering Ray Charles himself was there to help him with his characterization, and the film's release shortly after Ray's death, Jamie Foxx had a lot to live up to, and by God, he did it.

[ZapRowsdower]

Bryce Dallas Howard in Village, The

An excellent debut performance, Howard plays a blind girl who must make her way past the forbidden woods to acquire medicine for her lover. Her characterization and the delivery of her lines were both subtle and powerful.



Julia Roberts in Closer

Another beautifully subtle performance. Her character doesn't overpower the rest, but you can definitely read her by looking at her facial expressions and tone of voice.



Emmy Rossum in Phantom of the Opera, The

A surprising performance by the eighteen-year-old actress. In the past, she's had minor roles in films such as Mystic River and the Day After Tomorrow. This was her starmaking role. Her ability to sing opera and incorporate it into her character was absolutely amazing.



Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby

The next karate kid has certainly come a long way. Now, she's acting in a movie directed by Clint Eastwood, and it was well-acted indeed. She's sealed her fate at the Oscars, let's see how she fares at the Snootchies.



Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Hard to believe Kate Winslet's never won an Oscar. She's been nominated plenty of times, she's just never won anything. But if she keeps acting in movies like this, and Oscar's not far off in the future for her. She's a brilliant actress, what can I say?

[ZapRowsdower]

Gerard Butler in Phantom of the Opera, The

Blasted by critics because he didn't do the Broadway performer justice, but that's not quite a fair comparison. Gerard Butler had what it took to play the Phantom. He had a haunting, commanding voice that gets better appreciated with multiple viewings.



David Carradine in Kill Bill: Vol. 2

Isn't it great to see this guy working again? His performance in Kill Bill was nothing short of brilliant. Quentin Tarantino has an eye for talent, no doubt about that.



Morgan Freeman in Million Dollar Baby

Morgan Freeman is one of the greatest actors of our time. With such classics under his belt as the Shawshank Redemption and Driving Miss Daisy, the casting of Morgan Freeman in this movie was the right decision.



Peter O'Toole in Troy

Peter O'Toole is a very old man, but he's still got talent in him, as seen in his portrayal of Priam in Troy. His performance elevated the movie from an average war epic to a great war epic.



Clive Owen in Closer

A groundbreaking and ultimately starmaking performance for Clive Owen. It won him a Golden Globe, and a better chance to play the next Bond. It was a very, very good performance, too.

[ZapRowsdower]

Cate Blanchett in Aviator, The

For an Australian actress to perfect the southern accent is an amazing feat. But to also do justice to a Hollywood legend is another, and let me say, she does Miss Hepburn justice.



Minnie Driver in Phantom of the Opera, The

A comic relief character? Yes. Minnie Driver is one of the few actresses this year to actually come up with a character and stick with it. A character which was very different than Driver, and sings in a different way than Driver sings. I love it when an actor knows how to get in character.



Maia Morgenstern in Passion of the Christ, The

Not many actresses have been able to exhibit the intensity and emotion shown by Maia Morgenstern. She was by far the best Mary ever shown on screen, and added a new level of greatness to an already excellent film.



Sophie Okonedo in Hotel Rwanda

Another emotionally brilliant performance. Her character didn't have much of an impact on the story, but her performance on the other hand had a rather large impact on the movie itself.



Natalie Portman in Closer

Natalie Portman finally getting recognition for her talent, and it took her going that extra mile to do it. She and Owen outshined the two bigger names in the movie (Law and Roberts). She did it with her subtle yet powerful performance in Closer.

[ZapRowsdower]

Pam Brady, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone -- Team America: World Police

A total mockery of everything political that still manages to have a poignant message. The work of true genius.

"We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes. Assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck a asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate. And it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves. Because pussies are a inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy crazy world, but I do know this. If you don't let us fuck this asshole we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit."

"Remember, there is no 'I' in 'Team America'."
"Yes there is."

"If you pull that shit again, I'll drill two holes in your dick so that whenever you take a piss, it shoots out in all different directions!"

"Gary is the kind of man that understands, when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact. "

"Let me tell you how all this works: you see, Team America is funded by the corporations, so they fight for the corporations... while they sit in their corporation buildings... and they're all corporation-y... and they make lots of money!"

RE: Michael Moore
"We were attacked by a large socialist weasel."

"If you betray us, I'll rip your fuckin' balls off and stuff them up your ass. So the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls!"

"This isn't about sex, Gary. It's about trust!"

"MATT DAMON."

Zach Braff -- Garden State

This sleeper hit made Zach Braff a cult favorite in the vein of Kevin Smith. Here's why.

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone."
"I still feel at home in my house."
"You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this right of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

"This is my life, Dad. This is it. I spend 26 years waiting for something else to start. So no, I don't think it's too much to take on because it's everything there is. I see now it's all there is."

"By the way, it says 'BALLS' on your face."

"We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but, for for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is that we are."

"And you know what, I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they just left me feeling numb. I have felt SO FUCKING NUMB to everything in my entire life. And for that... I'm here to forgive YOU."

"I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!"
"I'm not innocent."
"Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!"

"OK, so... so... sometimes I lie. I mean, I'm weird, man. About random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, 'Wow, that wasn't even remotely true.'"

"You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for whatever reason. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was snot dripping all over my face. She offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose. I can can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, 'This is love... this is love.'"

"I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it."

Terry George and Keir Pearson -- Hotel Rwanda

"When people ask me, good listeners, why do I hate all the Tutsi, I say: read our history. The Tutsi were collaborators for the belgian colonists, they stole our Hutu land, they whipped us. Now they have come back, these Tutsi rebels. They are cockroaches. They are murderers. Rwanda is our Hutu land. We are the majority. They are a minority of traitors and invaders. We will squash the infestation. We will wipe out the RPF rebels. This is RTLM Hutu power radio. Stay alert. Watch your neighbours."

"After they see this, people are gonna say 'my god thats terrible' and then go on eating their dinners."

"You're not even a nigger. You're African."

Charlie Kaufman -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

If I have to explain why this is getting nominated, you haven't seen the movie.

"Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating."

"Well, technically speaking, the operation is brain damage, but on a par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you'll miss."

"Can you hear me? I don't want this anymore! I want to call it off!"

"Sand is overrated. It's just tiny, little rocks."

"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?"

"I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be."

"My embarrassing admission is I really like that you're nice, right now."

"I'm a vindictive little bitch, truth be told."

"You're really nice... God, I have to stop saying that!"

"When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, 'You can't be ugly! Be pretty!' It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too."
"You're pretty."
"Joely, don't ever leave me."
"You're pretty... you're pretty... you're pretty..."

Quentin Tarantino -- Kill Bill: Vol. 2

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey."

"She must suffer to her last breath."

"No. You're not a bad person. You're a terrific person. You're my favorite person, but every once in a while, you can be a real cunt."

"How did you find me?"
"I'm the man."

"He teaches no one the five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique. Now, Kiddo, one of the things I always liked about you is you appear wise beyond your years. Then allow me to impart a word to the wise. Whatever - WHAT-EVER - Pai Mei says, obey. If you flash him, even for an instant, a defiant eye, he'll pluck it out. And if you throw any American sass his way, he will snap your back and your neck like they were twigs, and that will be the story of you."

"It's the wood that should fear your hand, not the other way around. No wonder you can't do it, you acquiesce to defeat before you even begin."

"Now in these last agonizing minutes of life you have left, let me answer the question you asked earlier more thoroughly. Right at this moment, the biggest 'R' I feel is Regret. Regret that maybe the greatest warrior I have ever known, met her end at the hands of a bushwhackin, scrub, alky piece of shit like you. That woman deserved better."

"You and I have unfinished business."
"Baby, you ain't kiddin'."

[ZapRowsdower]

Benedict Fitzgerald and Mel Gibson -- Passion of the Christ, The

Taken directly from the bible, direct adaptations tend to be the best.

"Judas... you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?"

"Woman, behold your son. Son, behold your mother."

"Forgive them, Father. They know not what they do."

"See, mother, I make all things new."

"It is accomplished."

"Why is this night different from every other night?"

"Remember that I am an innocent man, forced to carry the cross of a condemned man!"

"You are My friends. There is no greater love than for a man to lay down his life for his friends. I cannot be with you much longer, My friends. You cannot go where I am going. My commandment to you after I am gone is this: Love one another. As I have loved you, so love one another."

"My son... when, where, how... will you choose to be delivered of this?"

"Peter! Put it down! Those who live by the sword shall die by the sword."

Paul Haggis -- Million Dollar Baby

A powerful dramatic screenplay depicting an intense human drama.

"Find a man, marry him. People find out what you're doing, and they laugh at you. I hate to say it, but they, they laugh at you."

"I've seen you lookin' at me."
"Yeah, out of pity."
"Don't you say that. Don't you say that if it ain't true."

"There are no demo-Gods, you fuckin' pagan."

"I don't train girls."
"People watch me fight say I'm pretty tough."
"Girly, tough ain't enough."

"I'm workin' your bag, boss."
"I'm not your boss, and that bag's workin' you."

"Protect yourself at all times. What is the rule?"
"Protect myself at all times... You left me, how is that protectin' me?"
"It wasn't."
"You gonna leave me again?"
"Never."

David Magee -- Finding Neverland

An excellent Shakespeare-in-Love-type of screenplay, very beautifully written.

"That 'golden scepter' is just an old hunk of wood."
"Ah, yes, well... we're dreaming on a budget."

"Excuse me - you're standing on my sleeve."
"I might point out you're lying under my bench."

"I need to go on pretending... until the end... with you."

"This is absurd. It's just a dog."
"Just a dog? Rufus dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's just a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, 'He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man,' or 'That's not a diamond, it's just a rock.' Just."

"What's it like, Neverland?"
"One day I'll take you there."

"Magnificent. The boy is gone. In the last 30 seconds... you became a grown-up."

"Children should never be sent off to bed. They always wake up a day older."

Patrick Marber -- Closer

Very hard to make a story like this without it turning into a soap opera, but Marber did it (the same Marber who wrote the play, by the way).

"I know who you are. I love you. I love everything about you that hurts."

"What do you want from me? I've given you all my money!"
"Thank you."

"You like his cock?"
"I love it."
"You like him cumming in your face?"
"Yes."
"What's it taste like?"
"IT TASTES LIKE YOU BUT SWEETER."
"That's the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for honesty. Now fuck off and die. You fucked up slag."

"Why is the sex so important to you?"
"Because I'm a fucking caveman!"

"I want Anna back."
"She's made her choice."
"I owe you an apology. I fell in love with her. My intention was not to make you suffer."
"So where's the apology? Ya cunt."
"I apologize. If you love her you'll let her go so she can be happy."
"She doesn't want to be happy."
"Everybody wants to be happy."
"Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing."

"You don't know the first thing about love because you don't understand compromise."

"Why didn't you tell me this when I walked through the door?"
"I was afraid."
"Because you're a coward, you spoiled bitch."

"You ruined my life."
"You'll get over it."

"Are you flirting with me?"
"Maybe."
"Are you allowed to flirt with me?"
"Sure."
"Really?"
"No, I'm not. I'm breaking all the rules."
"You're mocking me!"

"You women don't understand the territory... because you ARE the territory."
"It's not a war."

"Hello stranger."

Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor -- Sideways

A very intelligent comedy with heart.

"If they want to drink Merlot, we're drinking Merlot."
"No, if anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!"

"Pinot noir? Then why is it white?"

"Jack. This week is not about me. It's about you. I'm going to show you a good time. We're going to drink a lot of good wine, play some golf, enjoy the scenery and send you off in style."
"And get your bone smooched."

"...Are you chewing gum?"

"I'm a thumbprint on the first-floor window of a skyscraper, a smudge of excrement on a tissue surging out to sea along with millions of tons of raw sewage."
"Ya see? I could never write anything like that!"
"Neither could I, I think it's Bukowski."

"Wow, this is really starting to open up, what do you think? I started to appreciate the life of wine, that it's a living thing, that it connects you more to life. I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing. I like the think about how the sun was shining that summer and what the weather was like. I think about all those people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it's an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I love how wine continues to evolve, how if I open a bottle the wine will taste different than if I had uncorked it on any other day, or at any other moment. A bottle of wine is like life itself - it grows up, evolves and gains complexity. Then it tastes so fucking good."

[ZapRowsdower]

Post-Nominee Greatness Achievement:

This category may grow with the number of 2004 movies I see after my nominees were posted.

Merchant of Venice, The - Achievement in being an excellent film, having beautiful cinematography, great costumes, and flawless performances by Joseph Fiennes, Jeremy Irons, Al Pacino, and Lynn Collins. Also for achievement in direction by Michael Radford.

[ZapRowsdower]

Clint Eastwood for Million Dollar Baby



Terry George (Right) for Hotel Rwanda



Mel Gibson for Passion of the Christ, The



Martin Scorsese for Aviator, The



Quentin Tarantino for Kill Bill: Vol. 2

[ZapRowsdower]

Jon Brion
"Knock Yourself Out"
I Heart Huckabees

It’s something unattainable
That you can’t live without
And now the unexplainable
Has you riddled with doubt

Things begin, things decay
And you’ve gotta find a way
To be ok
But it you want to spend the day
Wond’ring what it’s all about
Go and knock yourself out

Why were put in this mess
Is anybody’s guess
It might be a test or it might not be anything
You need to worry about
But if you’re still in doubt
Go and knock yourself out

---

Trey Parker and Matt Stone
"Freedom Isn't Free"
Team America: World Police

What would you do
If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom
What would you do
If asked to make the ultimate sacrifice

Would you think about all them people
Who gave up everything they had.
Would you think about all them War Vets
And would you start to feel bad

Freedom isn't free
It costs folks like you and me
And if we don't all chip in
We'll never pay that bill
Freedom isn't free
No, there's a hefty fuckin' fee.
And if you don't throw in your buck 'o five
Who will?

What would you do
If someone told you to fight for freedom.
Would you answer the call
Or run away like a little pussy
'Cause the only reason that you're here.
Is 'cause folks died for you in the past
So maybe now it's your turn
To die kicking some ass

Freedom isn't free
It costs folks like you and me
And if we don't all chip in
We'll never pay that bill
Freedom isn't free
Now there's a have to hook'in fee
And if you don't throw in your buck 'o five
Who will?

You don't throw in your buck 'o five. Who will?
Oooh buck 'o five
Freedom costs a buck 'o five

---

Mark Collie (As Harry Heck)
"In Time"
Punisher, The

I can hear what you're thinking,
All your doubts and fears,
And if you look in my eyes, in time you'll find,
The reason I'm here.

And in time all things shall pass away,
In time, you may come back someday.
To live once more, or die once more,
But in time, your time will be no more.

You know your days are numbered,
Count them one by one,
Like notches in the handle of an outlaw's gun.
You can outrun the devil, if you tried,
But you'll never outrun the hands of time.

And in time all things shall pass away,
In time you may come back some say.
To live once more, or die once more,
But in time, your time will be no more.

---

Minnie Driver
"Learn to Be Lonely"
Phantom of the Opera, The
Written By Andrew Lloyd Webber

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You have always known
Your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone

---

Josh Groban
"Remember"
Troy

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me

I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,
It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun
I'm with you
Whenever you tell, my story
of all I done.

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember me

I am the one voice in the cold wind, that whispers
And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky
As long as I still can reach out, and touch you
Then I will never die

Remember, I'll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me
Remember me...

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me
Remember me
Remember... me...

[ZapRowsdower]

At last, the winners of the Snootchies are announced.

BEST PICTURE

Passion of the Christ, The

As if this is any surprise, the Passion of the Christ was the most powerful film released in recent memory. It is a film that left its audiences in silence... and in tears. Great direction, a wonderful cast, and overall poignancy make this the best picture of 2004.

Other nominees:
Aviator, The
Finding Neverland
Hotel Rwanda
Million Dollar Baby


BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

James Caviezel in Passion of the Christ, The

A very difficult decision to make as all the nominees were excellent. However, this man had to deal with the difficulty of acting in a dead tongue, which is indeed a very difficult task. He pulled it off beautifully.

Other nominees:
Don Cheadle in Hotel Rwanda
Johnny Depp in Finding Neverland
Leonardo DiCaprio in Aviator, The
Jamie Foxx in Ray

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby

In a year where it seemed the Best Actress Oscar would be a toss-up, at the end of 2004, Hilary Swank delivers the knock-out punch (pun intended) with Million Dollar Baby.

Other nominees:
Bryce Dallas Howard in Village, The
Julia Roberts in Closer
Emmy Rossum in Phantom of the Opera, The
Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Clive Owen in Closer

Without a doubt, if this isn't the best performance of the year (leading or supporting), it is definitely in the top three.

Other nominees:
Gerard Butler in Phantom of the Opera, The
David Carradine in Kill Bill: Vol. 2
Morgan Freeman in Million Dollar Baby
Peter O'Toole in Troy

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Maia Morgenstern in Passion of the Christ, The

Another difficult choice to make, but when you think about what made the Passion great, Maia Morgenstern's emotionally captivating performance is one of the first things that come to mind.

Other nominees:
Cate Blanchett in Aviator, The
Minnie Driver in Phantom of the Opera, The
Sophie Okonedo in Hotel Rwanda
Natalie Portman in Closer

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Charlie Kaufman -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

The most original concept to come up in years, written by a real genius... or a madman.

Other nominees:
Pam Brady, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone -- Team America: World Police
Zach Braff -- Garden State
Terry George and Keir Pearson -- Hotel Rwanda
Quentin Tarantino -- Kill Bill: Vol. 2

BEST SCREENPLAY BASED ON ANOTHER MEDIUM PREVIOUSLY PRODUCED OR PUBLISHED

Patrick Marber -- Closer

A difficult decision once again, but Closer is just another movie that makes you appreciate the art of screenwriting. A very well-written... er... adapted piece.

Benedict Fitzgerald and Mel Gibson -- Passion of the Christ, The
Paul Haggis -- Million Dollar Baby
David Magee -- Finding Neverland
Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor -- Sideways

BEST DIRECTOR

Mel Gibson -- Passion of the Christ, The

Scorsese and Eastwood may be racing for the Oscars, but I'll bet they're both breathing secret sighs of relief that the Academy let their political agenda get in their way of nominating Mel Gibson. Sorry, guys. No personal politics this time. Mel deserves this.

Other nominees:
Clint Eastwood -- Million Dollar Baby
Terry George -- Hotel Rwanda
Martin Scorsese -- Aviator, The
Quentin Tarantino -- Kill Bill: Vol. 2

BEST ORIGINAL SONG

Josh Groban -- Troy -- "Remember"

When I first heard this song, I said to myself, "this is gonna win the Oscar." Apparently, I was wrong as it wasn't even nominated. It is still an excellent song, and vastly superior to the song Groban actually DID get nominated for.

Other nominees:
Jon Brion -- I Heart Huckabees -- "Knock Yourself Out"
Trey Parker and Matt Stone -- Team America: World Police -- "Freedom Isn't Free"
Mark Collie -- Punisher, The -- "In Time"
Minnie Driver -- Phantom of the Opera, The -- "Learn to Be Lonely"

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE

John Debney -- Passion of the Christ, The

A score so beautiful that even the Academy had to recognize it. The emotion of the movie is even visible (er... audible) in the music.

Other nominees:
Jon Brion -- I Heart Huckabees
Michael Giacchino -- Incredibles, The
James Horner -- Troy
Howard Shore -- Aviator, The

BEST ONE-LINER

David Carradine -- Kill Bill: Vol. 2 -- "I'm sorry. I... overreacted."

Other nominees:
Jon Heder -- Napoleon Dynamite -- "Idiot!"
Clive Owen -- Closer -- "...fuck off and die."
J.K. Simmons -- Spider-Man 2 -- RE: I really need the money. "Aww, Miss Brant? Get me a violin."
Naomi Watts -- I Heart Huckabees -- "Fuckabees."

BEST SCENE

Passion of the Christ, The -- Jesus being nailed to the cross.

Closer -- The argument between Larry and Anna when Anna confesses she's been cheating on him.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind -- Clementine plays the cassette tape in Joel's car.
Hotel Rwanda -- Paul, driving across a bumpy road in the fog realizes the road is covered with dead bodies.
Phantom of the Opera, The -- The emotional climax, where the Christine must swear her love to the Phantom or watch the love of her life be murdered.

BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE

Punisher, The

Wait, what? No, that's not a mistake. The Punisher. Spider-man 2 was a fine film, no doubt. I just felt the first movie was superior, and so was the Punisher. Thomas Jane made a perfect Frank Castle. Some real effort was put into the acting in this movie, and at the same time, the action sequences were simply cool... and had less CGI. Keep in mind this is one guy's opinion.

Other nominees:
Blade: Trinity
Hellboy
Spider-Man 2

COOLEST PICTURE

Spider-Man 2

I can't really justify letting Spidey go empty-handed. The other nominees were cool, but Spider-man 2 is DEFINITELY the coolest picture this year.

Other nominees:
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
I, Robot
Napoleon Dynamite
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

MOST UNDERRATED

Sheesh, talk about a tough choice. One I thought would be a shoe-in for the Oscars, and is instead getting a Razzie nomination. Another Razzie nominee was absolutely hilarious. We have a critically scorned sequel that in reality surpassed its predecessor, and a very charming dance movie that ranks up there with Dirty Dancing (except critics don't like Jennifer Lopez). But the Snootchie goes to:

Phantom of the Opera, The

Come on, why the negativity? The anti-musical mindset? If you don't like Opera, why the Hell did you see this movie? One of those movies that should have received several Oscar nominations, but hey, it's Joel Schumacher, right?

Other nominees:
Alexander
Meet the Fockers
Shall We Dance?
Surviving Christmas

BEST MALE PERFORMANCE NOBODY REMEMBERS

James Garner in Notebook, The

Very hard not to give him a Best Supporting Actor nomination, but who remembers this brilliant performance? It came out in the middle of June, and in just a week had to stand in the shadow of Spider-man 2. However, James Garner's performance elevated the quality of this movie from good to great.

Other nominees:
Zach Braff in Garden State
Brad Pitt in Troy
Kevin Spacey in Beyond the Sea
Mark Wahlberg in I Heart Huckabees

BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE NOBODY REMEMBERS

Gena Rowlands in Notebook, The

See James Garner.

Other nominees:
Raquel Castro in Jersey Girl
Scarlett Johansson in In Good Company
Meryl Streep in Manchurian Candidate, The
Naomi Watts in I Heart Huckabees

BEST SEX SCENE
Team America: World Police -- Two marionettes. 'Nuff said.

Do I really need to explain this? Was this a surprise to anyone?

Other nominees:
Alexander -- Colin Farrell and Rosario Dawson, the most heterosexual scene in the entire movie.
EuroTrip -- Club Vandersexxx
Taking Lives -- Angelina Jolie and Ethan Hawke, for the unrated version.
Sideways -- Thomas Haden Church and Sandra Oh, doggie style

BEST CAMEO

Neil Patrick Harris in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle

Came down to this guy and Matt Damon, but this guy had some classic lines in Harold & Kumar. I will not post them here, YOU have to see the movie.

Other nominees:
Matt Damon in EuroTrip
Topher Grace in Ocean's Twelve
Chuck Norris in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Arnold Shwarzenegger in Around the World in 80 Days

BEST SEQUEL

Kill Bill: Vol. 2

It probably should have been illegal to nominate this. One, it's not REALLY a sequel, and two, it really just kicks the shit out of all the other sequels that were released this year, doesn't it?

Other nominees:
Meet the Fockers
Ocean's Twelve
Shrek 2
Spider-man 2

FUNNIEST MOVIE

Team America: World Police

Shame this didn't do as well as it should have. Funniest movie of the year? F**K YEAH!

Other nominees:
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
Shaun of the Dead

MOST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE

Nick Frost in Shaun of the Dead

"I'm sorry, Shaun." 'Nuff said.

Other nominees:
Steve Carell in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Jon Heder in Napoleon Dynamite
Dustin Hoffman in Meet the Fockers
Barbra Streisand in Meet the Fockers

BEST HORROR

Shaun of the Dead

How often does a comedy also work as a Horror movie? What was the last one, Scream? And Scream wasn't exactly as much of a comedy as this one. Excellent work.

Other nominees:
Blade: Trinity
Dawn of the Dead
Secret Window
Saw

MOST LIKELY TO BE CONSIDERED A CULT CLASSIC

Napoleon Dynamite

This movie is ALREADY considered a cult classic. GOSH. Frickin' IDIOT.

Other nominees:
Garden State
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
Saw
Shaun of the Dead