Movies You'll Never See

[LivingDeadGirl]

Found this on the net, thought it was pretty funny:

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT: Films you will not get to see

ZACHARY BUDRYK
POINT OF VIEW May 25, 2004


Hoo boy, the year is flying by. Now that we've whizzed through winter and most of spring, we have to be thinking about summer.

And when we think about summer, we inevitably think of slacking off, which in turn leads to thoughts of going to the movies.

Summer is always a good time for such movies, but unfortunately, for every "Van Helsing" or "Spider-Man 2," there's one of these babies. For the second year in a row, I present to you some summer movies that just didn't make the cut.

1. "Seward"

Why go to "Van Helsing" when you can see this? Fans will thrill to the saga of the second-tier "Dracula" character's adventures in his psychiatric career. Warning to children: contains intense, often violent analysis of childhood memories.

2. "Spider-Man 22"

Hey, not every villain can be the Green Goblin. In this new film, a 43-year-old Toby Maguire battles Typeface, the villain who crafts deadly, tangible letters that can KILL you! (Please note, this is an actual Spider-Man villain.) Somewhere, somewhere close, Stan Lee is slapping his forehead for not having such an obvious idea.


3. "The Corporal Punisher"

Ex-FBI agent Frank Castle has an idyllic life with his wife and son, until John Travolta has his goons invade the playground and throw sand in their faces. Mad with grief and burning for vengeance, Castle vows not to rest until Travolta and all his minions are administered the spankings they so richly deserve. In the grand tradition of such films as Charles Bronson's "Time-Out Wish."

4. "Troy"

Not the Illiad-based war epic, but a biopic of beloved "Simpsons" character Troy McClure. Watch the pink-sweatered, Phil Hartman-voiced actor's career, from child prodigy to star of such films as "Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly." Thanks for the memories, Mr. Hartman.

5. "King Arthur"

Again, don't confuse this with the similarly titled, better-known film coming out. This is simply the story of Arthur Flurgen, a demented accountant who believed himself to be king of Schlovaria, a Balkan nation he made up. Needless to say, he was soon fired, but his legend lives on.

6. "Wound Bill Vol. 2"

After her wedding cake is knocked over and all the guests mildly shaken, Uma Thurman, armed with a samurai pocket knife, sets out to give the man responsible some nicks he'll not soon forget. But first, she'll have to kick his loyal underling (Michael Madsen) in the shins.

7. "Alien Vs. Predator Vs. Freddy and Jason and Every Other Horror Film Franchise Character Ever"

Exactly what it sounds like. Don't you love merchandising?

8. "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Contract Stipulations"

In a rejected treatment of the third book, the young wizard realizes he belongs to Warner Bros. until the second coming, and he must find a way out before they turn him into a talking toothbrush. Starring the CEO of Mattel as Voldemort.


I know we've got some comedians here so feel free to add you own movies... ;D

[ZapRowsdower]

1. RICHTER BELMONT - Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale star in this movie about a Vampire slayer in his endless battle against Dracula. But enough talk. HAVE AT YOU!
EDIT: Confused my Castlevanias. Sorry about that.

2. NEW YORK SECOND - If you look closely, you might see the Olsen Twins.

3. TROLL - An L33T H4XX0R known only as agamemnon1231 takes over a bunch of message boards by hacking his way into them. But one board gets in their way, and it's filled with people who say contradictory things just to get a reaction. Annoyance! Take it! It's yours!

4. SHRIEK 2 - The made-for-tv Scary Movie ripoff is getting a sequel. Sigh.

5. THE DAY BEFORE TOMORROW - Where are you?

6. HARRY POTTER AND THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY GRAIL - This time, Harry must get a shrubbery or the knights who say "NI" will say "NI" to him.

7. HAROLD AND KUMAR STAY HOME AND DO NOTHING - Self-explanatory.

8. SPIDER-MAN 0: A prequel to Spider-man. Rather, it's about Peter Parker, and his life before he became Spider-man.

9. AROUND THE WORLD IN HOWEVER LONG IT TAKES - Sorry, I might not be able to get back in that time I quoted you earlier.

10. TWO-POINT-THREE BROTHERS - About the average number of kids parents have, right? Oh, and this is about tigers.

11. WOMANCAT - After a freak accident, a cat has the ability to act like... a... erm... woman...

12. BLACK CHICKS - It probably won't get made because African Americans are protesting it as we speak. Yet we remain silent about their obvious attack on the white race. Go figure.

13. KING AHNULD - Directed by Ivan Reitman. Also Starring Danny DeVito.

14. ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF A GUY WHO DROPS ANCHORS FROM SHIPS - Yeah, self explanatory.

[Bartwald]

WOMANCAT - After a freak accident, a cat has the ability to act like... a... erm... woman...
- I wanna see this, Smitty! ;D

As for Spider-Man O - I'll wait for the DVD...

[LivingDeadGirl]

"Night of the Living Dead Zone"- John Smith looks into the PAST & discovers that zombieism is actually a side-effect of watching too much reality tv.

"Kill Will"- This documentary reveals that Ricky Martin is actually behind the death threats made against William Hung.

"Kill Will Vol. 2"- After making "Wild, Wild West 2" & starring in his new tv show "Fresh Prince version 5.0-Welcome to the Will-inium", Will Smith is hunted down & killed by the Crazy 88.

"Reservoir Dolls"- Barbie, Ken & the gang decide to rip off the local Toys-R-Us, but during the course of the robbery they encounter a rogue band of Star Wars figures. Mayhem ensues, Ken chops off Obi-Wan's ear & they make their escape in Barbie's Vette.

[LeoMcGarry]

IamTheSmitty said:

3. TROLL - An L33T H4XX0R known only as agamemnon1231 takes over a bunch of message boards by hacking his way into them. But one board gets in their way, and it's filled with people who say contradictory things just to get a reaction. Annoyance! Take it! It's yours!

You wouldn't be referring to the IMDb soapbox, would you? ;D

Great thread BTW.

[ZapRowsdower]

MIRAMAX FILMS PRESENTS...
THE WORST FILM BY QUENTIN TARANTINO...
IN THE YEAR 2004...
UMA THURMAN WILL TAKE...
A CHILL PILL!
'Cause she, like, needs to. (I made an actual poster for this with Photoshop.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

XXX2: XXX United - Possible working title for Vin Diesel's next project?

THE CHRONICLES OF CRITIC - Sometimes, you must use evil to fight... what can potentially be good... THUMBS DOWN!

THE BOURNE STUPIDITY - Jason Bourne takes a bump in the head and suffers from temporary intelligence loss. Now, he must find out what you get when you put 2 and 2 together.

CLOSED WATER - It is contaminated. We can't allow anyone to swim here.

DUMB & DUMBERERERERERERERERER: THE RECKONING - Taking blasphemy to a whole new level.

THE PASSION OF THE YODA - "Do or Do Not. There is No Try." -George 05:80

BIG GOOBERFISH - The story of Jar Jar Binks and his wacky Gungan adventures.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: EPISODE I - THE MORDOR MENACE - Not directed by Peter Jackson, that's for sure.

J-LO DIES - Directed By Kevin Smith. Hey, it's going to attract crowds, right?

Before you die, you see... DA BLING... bling.

[frankenjohn]

MARK'S TALE: It's the adventures of Marky The Sharky from THE SIMS VACATION as he goes around harassing children. Starring Michael Jackson as Marky.

I, BROBOT: What would you do if your robot brother was accused of murder? Hope he gets a life sentence so you can go back to being an only child.

NEW YORK NANOSECOND: Hopefully the running time is a nanosecond.

KILL WILLIAM VOL. II: It's about the mob on a hunt to whack William Hung.

ANACONDAS- THE HUNT FOR A BETTER SCRIPT: The title says it all.

VAN HELSING: Looks fine, right? Starring Mel Brooks as Van Helsing.

HARRY POTTER AND THE REVENGE OF ALFANSO CUARON: Harry must stop him from fromk committing suicide after making a PG film after doing Y Tu Mama Tambien.

THE CHRONICLES OF THE DUDE: The sequel to The Big Lebowski.

GARFIELD- THE MOVIE: Yeah, it's a beautiful town, isn't it?

AROUND THE WORLD WITH 80 WIVES: The Stepford Wives vs. Jackie Chan and Steve Coogan. Wonder who'll win...

THE TERMINAL DISEASE: It didn't just cancel his flights...it canceled his mind.

DODGEBALL- A TRUE STORY: No! It really is!

WHITE CHICKS: Scientists find white colored chicks in the Arctic. They are puzzled how they turned white.

SPIDER MAN'S THROUGH: Will he ever be Spider Man again? Tune in to Peter's thoughts tomorrow, same time, same place!

KING ARTHUR: ...the anteater!

THE BELLAGIO: Run. The twist is coming.

THE EXORCIST- THE END: It's over already?

CAPTAIN WATER AND THE WORLD OF YESTERDAY: Angelina, take off the eyepatch and put it on the WORLD OF TOMORROW eye so we can see the WORLD OF YESTERDAY.

[Heineken Skywalker]

BEVERLY HILLS ROBOCOP Eddie Murphy returns as Axle Foley. Axle goes back to Beverly, Hills that is, to investigate the murder of another friend. He is killed execution style, but brought back as a cybernetic policeman, who then goes on a bloody rampage after those who "killed" him. 'Dead or alive, you're coming with me. Heh, heh, heh, heh!'

BORED OF THE RINGS Peter Jackson returns to tell this "lost" chapter in the "RINGS" saga. Frodo & Sam sit around on a grassy hill, eat, smoke, pick lint from between each other's large hairy toes and talk about their adventures.
For THREE hours!!

TROY STORY See what happens when the geniuses at Pixar decide to take on Greek Mythology! Woody, Buzz, Mr. Potato Head and a large wooden Hobby Horse. Let the hilarity ensue!

HARRY POTTER AND THE MYSTERY OF PUBERTY Harry & Ron must confront a new threat at Hogwarts as it seems that all the male student's bodies are getting larger, growing hair in strange places and their voices are cracking without warning. They must also deal with Hermione suddenly growing strange "sweater bumps" and the "funny feelings" this causes within them.

ESCAPE FROM SURVIVOR John Carpenter directs Kurt Russell in the next chapter in the adventures of Snake Plissken. This time, Snake and 15 other people are dropped off on a deserted island, where they must "outwit, outplay & outlast" each other. Snake must fight starvation, the elements, and the backstabbing antics of his fellow tribesmen, as well as compete in challenges to try to win "immunity" and not get voted off the island.
(SPOILER!)
After three days, Snake finally has enough, and kills everyone else, including host Jeff Probst. When asked "Why?" by a dying Probst, Snake mumbles, "Your rules are really starting to annoy me."

INDIANA JONES & THE NURSING HOME OF DOOM Steven Spielberg, George Lucas & Harrison Ford return for the oft-rumoured & delayed next chapter in the Indy story.
Indy, now 83 years old, must escape from the Old Archaeologist's Home and yet another dinner of soup & tapioca pudding!
Thrill to Indy playing dominoes & watching tv in the Game Room with the other old coots.
Gaze in amazement as Indy gets a sponge bath by the "pretty young nurse with the gams."
Witness the ritual removing of the bedpans!

[ZapRowsdower]

BUSHIDO BLADE RUNNER - Samurai in the distant future, fighting replicants. My head asplode.

DESPERATO - As a result of low funds, director Uwe Boll (House of the Dead) Takes the script from a Robert Rodriguez movie, and, uh... redoes it. With lots of zombies and bad acting. But lots of explosions, too, and you see boobies. Buy a ticket! Please!

THE LION QUEEN - Simba has a secret...

THE LORD OF THE RINGU: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGU - Frodo has seven days to destroy the Ring of Mordor.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN CANADA - Beer, hockey, and hosers, eh?

PUSS FICTION - Puss in Boots (Shrek) is now discovering he needs to change his ways after what he believed was Divine intervention. But before that, he kills a lot of people. "Espanol, chingata! Le hablas?"

RESERVOIR DUCKS - Documentary about ducks in a Reservoir...

PIZZAFACE - Tony Montana suffers from terrible acne, but he's still a force to be reckoned with.

SCARY MOVIE X - We ran out of scary movies to make fun of, so we're just going to show you the Wayans Brothers trying to act white. OH WAIT! That's already been made!

MINNOW - Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started on this midget shore, aboard a tiny ship. The crew was a tiny sailor-man: a peck, so brave and sure. The peck had planned to sail that day for a three hour tour, a three hour tour. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the tiny crew, the minnow would be lost, and Willow would be lost. The ship took ground on shore of some uncharted desert isle, with Willow, the brownies too, Madmartigan, and his wife, Fin Raziel, Elora Danan, Mary-Ann, here on Peckigan's Isle!

Yellow Taxi-Cab - After the LSD wears off, the Beatles find themselves in a Taxi-Cab, with its driver, Jeremy Hilary Boob.

[LivingDeadGirl]

lmao...you guys are killin' me... ;D

[LivingDeadGirl]

"Reservoir Snow Dogs"- Five totally strange dogs team up for the perfect crime. They don't know each other's names but they've smelled each other's butts.
(I got that one from a movie morphs poster I saw on the net...)

Casting Call:Star Wars meets Reservoir Dogs:

Jabba The Hutt as Joe Cabot
Luke Skywalker as Mr. Orange (will he join the dark side or betray his fellow thieves...)
Darth Vader as Mr. White
Lando Calrissian as Mr. Brown
C-3PO as Mr. Pink
R2-D2 as Mr. Blue
Han Solo as Mr. Blonde
Chewbacca as Nice Guy Eddie
Special appearance by Greedo as Marvin the Cop

[ZapRowsdower]

MOOOOOTHERFUCKEEEEEEEEER! - (AKA How to Get Marcellus Wallace's Business Partner's Foot Out of Your Ass) Starring Samuel L. Jackson.

THE GODFAJHA - A powerful mob family... and they are from Holland! Ijn't that vierd?

THE SHAW... SHA... SHI... PRISON MOVIE - Based on a short story by Stephen King.

SCHINDLER'S PISSED - This time, he has a new list... The Jews will pay! In cinematic limbo, due to anti-semitisim.

CASANEGRA - A racial comedy from the filmmakers who brought you Soul Plane. Here's lookin' at y'all, BEYOTCH!

CITIZEN KAIN - A film about a Dragoon whose mind is easily controlled.

ONE FLEW UNDER THE CUCKOO'S NEST - and got shat on. Fly over it next time, retard.

GULF WAR 2 OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB - Blatant conservative propaganda.

DUDE, WHERE'S MY ARK? - After a night he can't remember, Indiana Jones must find the lost ark. "Have you seen my ark?" "I've seen the inside." "Well, I was talking about the whole thing!"

[frankenjohn]

KIDZ IN DA HOOD: I just saw my friend get shot...I hope there's ice cream at his funeral!

THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE GETS SHOT MOVIE: This movie would break all box office records and sweep the Oscars!

SPIDERS II- PETTING ZOO: I wanna pet the Black Widow!

DRUNKEN MASTER 4- TIPSY: I didn't drink that bottle of Chardonnay...I GUZZLED IT!!!

BARNEY'S GREAT ADVENTURE- UNRATED VERSION: Starring Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson...You get the point.