How Van Helsing could have been good.

[ZapRowsdower]

I know it's been a few months now since this piece of shit movie's been released, but just knowing how good it COULD have been pisses me off even more. So now, since I'm pursuing a career in filmmaking and all, I just thought I'd post some ideas that could have made the movie good. If you haven't seen the movie and are planning to, there are spoilers ahead.

1. Tone down the CGI. A lot. Seriously, a shitload of make-up and a beautifully choreographed fight scene between two human actors is WAY better than a shitty five-minute fight scene between two fake-looking CGI monsters. Hell, a traditional hand-to-hand combat between Van Helsing and Dracula in the vein of the Matrix Revolutions would have sufficed.

2. This was supposed to be a tribute to Universal's classic monsters. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde was a Paramount monster. Worst. Episode. Ever.

3. If they HAD to use Jekyll and Hyde, refer back to .1.

4. GET A BETTER DRACULA. The only well-written character in the movie, and they had to give the lines to a shitty actor who tried way too hard to be Bela Lugosi. If you wanted a Lugosi impression, why didn't you get Martin Landau, who won an Oscar for being Bela Lugosi? No one said Dracula had to be young.

5. If Anna Valerious HAD to have that Romanian accent, give the part to someone who knows how to do the Romanian accent. You asshats made me lose respect for Kate Beckinsale (which will hopefully be regained when I see the Aviator).

6. Drop the comic relief David Wenham, and establish Van Helsing's character. Van Helsing should have had the adventerous personality of Indiana Jones and the clever wit of James Bond. He lacked both. YOU PEOPLE HAD HUGH JACKMAN AT YOUR DISPOSAL, YET YOU MADE VAN HELSING INTO A PUSSY. What is wrong with you people?

7. Van Helsing is NOT Super Mario. He should NOT be allowed to jump from one moving horse to another with ease... And while we're on that subject, horses aren't really solid platforms you can stand on.

8. Horses can't fly.

9. "Van Helsing, YOU MURDERER!" That is a line that would have been better said by someone without a speech impediment.

10. A better Frankenstein. Both in terms of acting and writing. In fact, why does Frankenstein even speak at all?

11. Fill in all the plotholes. Check this out, Dracula made an antidote for the werewolf bite that he could use in case a werewolf turned on him... Except, he kept it all the way on the other side of his castle. I mean, shouldn't he at least have the antidote ON him? And even better than that, the antidote doesn't work after the first night. So, if the werewolf decided to turn on Dracula on day TWO, Dracula would be fucked. Makes perfect sense.

12. LESS ANNOYING BRIDES. Francis Ford Coppola got Monica Belluci. Sommers got three chicks who thought that the louder they were, the more talented they were.

13. How many times did people fall in that fucking movie? Shit, it was like watching Looney Tunes. Van Helsing was the Road Runner, and the Wolfman was Wil E. fucking Coyote.

14. A swinging rope is only cool the first time you use it. It stops being cool when there's a swinging rope conveniently placed whenever it's needed. Especially when one person is able to jump from one rope to another, and the second rope is apparently coming from the sky, because it's definitely not coming from the fucking castle, that's when we've seen enough.

15. If you must kill Anna, keep in mind this ISN'T the Lion King. Faces DO NOT normally appear in clouds when people die.

There you have it. Any other suggestions are welcome. I'm not the only one who hated this movie.

[Bartwald]

I didn't hate the movie but I agree that the above changes would make it much better.

[Heineken Skywalker]

10. A better Frankenstein. Both in terms of acting and writing. In fact, why does Frankenstein even speak at all?

This is the only one I don't agree with. Frankenstein's monster spoke in the classic Bride of Frankenstein as well as the original book all the movies were based on, so I don't have a problem with that. I thought it was one of the few characters that worked in the film.

You forgot the number one way to improve VH. Hire a director/writer who actually likes Horror movies. I've seen him actually say that he's not really a fan of "scary" horror films. (!!) So why is this tool being given the reins to fuck with these classic characters? I don't mind that he wanted to go in an action/adventure direction, but with these horror icons I also expect some actual Horror, not this watered down "kiddie crap".
The Indiana Jones trilogy is a perfect example of how to do this. They're mostly known for being light-hearted adventures, but there are a few scenes of absolute terror thrown in, ie: Indy runs into the skewered body of his guide moments after he betrays Indy, the snakes & chamber of corpses in the Well of Souls, the disentigration of the Nazis at the end of the movie, the scene where the slave gets his heart ripped out of his body before he's lowered into the flames, etc.

As much as he claims to love these characters, Sommers & the studio seemed more concerned with putting asses in seats no matter how childish they had to make the characters, story & situations.

Everything else I agree with.

[Gabriel]

Agree with alot of the above, but my main gripe with movie was the rating.

If you're gonna do a movie and tie in literatures greatest/earliest monsters, then make it a horror. Or at the very least - scary.

Or ditch Sommers.

[DrLenera]

I really didn't think that Van Helsing was bad. I think it's obvious that Sommers wasn't even trying to make a scary film and instead tried to make a Mummy-like popcorn action movie that paid a little tribute to the Universal horror icons. Yes,there was far too much CGI and the swinging on things really got laughable,but I found it entertaining at least. Some terrific action scenes-the carriage,the female vampires attacking the village- and Kate Beckinsale in a VERY sexy outfit.

Sad to say,I bought the DVD.

[Graveworm]

12. LESS ANNOYING BRIDES. Francis Ford Coppola got Monica Bellucci. Sommers got three chicks who thought that the louder they were, the more talented they were.

I say that Aleera in Van Helsing was way better looking than Monica, and I like Monica. But Aleera rocked my boat more so than Monica ever could LOL.