Post by ZapRowsdower on Jan 8, 2006 0:36:29 GMT -5
Without a doubt, this is probably the worst movie of 2006. I know 2006 already started, but I doubt the possibility of there being a movie WORSE than this one... unless, of course, it's the other Uwe Boll flick, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale - to be released December 2006. I smell an Oscar. 
Ok, first of all, Uwe Boll has proven once again that he is incapable of casting a movie. While Loken and Kingsley were right for their roles (I don't know how one would take that), Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez and Meat Loaf had no place in this film. Michael Madsen decided to go the Kevin Costner route and not bother with the accent... So he played himself. Michelle Rodriguez tried to produce an English accent, but instead came up with her own. I think by now this accent already has a name: ridiculous. Ben Kingsley's performance comprised mostly of sitting and staring. A far cry from Gandhi or Izthak Stern... you know, roles that require acting. Kristanna Loken's performance was monotonous, and it seems her only purpose in the movie was to look pretty while kicking ass and showing her boobs.
Oh, yes. Boll has decided to actually show some bare chest in his out-of-place sex scene... And I gotta say, that was one kinky out-of-place sex scene. Basically, Matthew Davis has his back to a cell. Kristanna Loken has her legs wrapped around his torso. Her left hand is grasping the cell, and her right hand the cell door... which has not quite been closed. So they're having vertical sex while the cell door behind them continously bangs shut. Now, I'm not one to like sex scenes in crappy movies, but I gotta say that was one nice if out-of-place sex scene. Which leads me to believe Uwe Boll has chosen the wrong profession. He should direct pornographic films. Because then, no one would care if the acting is bad - and I'm sure someone out there would get off to vertical jail cell sex.
Uwe Boll's direction of BloodRayne is difficult to describe. I've never before felt as though the director was trying to rush through the story while at the same time feeling there was a bunch of shit that should have been left out. So we're looking at one hell of a short movie (1 1/2 hours) that wasn't short enough.
The death scenes in the movie look nice, except the fight scenes inbetween are weak. So weak in fact, that by comparison Van Helsing looks like Raiders of the Lost Ark. There's just no energy in them whatsoever. I mean, for a movie whose intentional entertainment value relies solely on action sequences, there's not a lot of exciting action going on.
Better yet, after watching Kristanna Loken kick ass (I mean, really dishing it out) for the first 3/4 of the movie, they feel the need to give her a training montage just before the final confrontation. I was waiting for Trey Parker to chime in with some background music - "...in anything if you wanna go from just a beginner to a pro, you need a montage... even Rocky had a montage!"
This is Uwe Boll's best film however. And that's a sad, sad thing to say. This is the kind of movie that makes you yearn for Mystery Science Theater 3000, except this looks like the kind of movie they wouldn't do because it's funny enough without them. For reference, see Plan 9 From Outer Space.
If you do end up seeing this, be sure to chime in with "His name was Robert Paulson" at the appropriate time. You'll know when.
The Good:
--At the very least, we catch a fine glimpse of Kristanna Loken's breasts. And they are good.
The Ugly:
--Oh, I'd say anything BEFORE Kristanna Loken's breasts, everything AFTER Kristanna Loken's breasts, and just about everything around Kristanna Loken's breasts during that scene.
If I ever make it as a filmmaker, I got dibs on the Uwe Boll biopic.
10% - Which means it's worth watching for a good laugh.
Ok, first of all, Uwe Boll has proven once again that he is incapable of casting a movie. While Loken and Kingsley were right for their roles (I don't know how one would take that), Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez and Meat Loaf had no place in this film. Michael Madsen decided to go the Kevin Costner route and not bother with the accent... So he played himself. Michelle Rodriguez tried to produce an English accent, but instead came up with her own. I think by now this accent already has a name: ridiculous. Ben Kingsley's performance comprised mostly of sitting and staring. A far cry from Gandhi or Izthak Stern... you know, roles that require acting. Kristanna Loken's performance was monotonous, and it seems her only purpose in the movie was to look pretty while kicking ass and showing her boobs.
Oh, yes. Boll has decided to actually show some bare chest in his out-of-place sex scene... And I gotta say, that was one kinky out-of-place sex scene. Basically, Matthew Davis has his back to a cell. Kristanna Loken has her legs wrapped around his torso. Her left hand is grasping the cell, and her right hand the cell door... which has not quite been closed. So they're having vertical sex while the cell door behind them continously bangs shut. Now, I'm not one to like sex scenes in crappy movies, but I gotta say that was one nice if out-of-place sex scene. Which leads me to believe Uwe Boll has chosen the wrong profession. He should direct pornographic films. Because then, no one would care if the acting is bad - and I'm sure someone out there would get off to vertical jail cell sex.
Uwe Boll's direction of BloodRayne is difficult to describe. I've never before felt as though the director was trying to rush through the story while at the same time feeling there was a bunch of shit that should have been left out. So we're looking at one hell of a short movie (1 1/2 hours) that wasn't short enough.
The death scenes in the movie look nice, except the fight scenes inbetween are weak. So weak in fact, that by comparison Van Helsing looks like Raiders of the Lost Ark. There's just no energy in them whatsoever. I mean, for a movie whose intentional entertainment value relies solely on action sequences, there's not a lot of exciting action going on.
Better yet, after watching Kristanna Loken kick ass (I mean, really dishing it out) for the first 3/4 of the movie, they feel the need to give her a training montage just before the final confrontation. I was waiting for Trey Parker to chime in with some background music - "...in anything if you wanna go from just a beginner to a pro, you need a montage... even Rocky had a montage!"
This is Uwe Boll's best film however. And that's a sad, sad thing to say. This is the kind of movie that makes you yearn for Mystery Science Theater 3000, except this looks like the kind of movie they wouldn't do because it's funny enough without them. For reference, see Plan 9 From Outer Space.
If you do end up seeing this, be sure to chime in with "His name was Robert Paulson" at the appropriate time. You'll know when.
The Good:
--At the very least, we catch a fine glimpse of Kristanna Loken's breasts. And they are good.
The Ugly:
--Oh, I'd say anything BEFORE Kristanna Loken's breasts, everything AFTER Kristanna Loken's breasts, and just about everything around Kristanna Loken's breasts during that scene.
If I ever make it as a filmmaker, I got dibs on the Uwe Boll biopic.
10% - Which means it's worth watching for a good laugh.
