Post by Quorthon on Dec 20, 2005 17:37:47 GMT -5
King Kong
Adventure/Giant Monster Horror
1976
Color
MPAA Rating: PG
Directed by: John Guillermin
USA
Here we have the classic story of the money-hungry oil company setting course over the ocean to find desolate Skull Island to drill for oil. What’s that you say? That doesn’t sound like the classic you know? Well too bad for you, because 1976 Hollywood doesn’t give a shit what you have to say! They’re coked up and ready to give a true classic a modern raping!
Well, basically, it’s the classic King Kong story, except instead of a film crew, it’s, like I said, an oil company. Way to pander to the oil crisis of the 70’s Hollywood. Jessica Lange now plays the part that made Fay Wray famous, with less brains but more sexiness. Sure, she looks pretty hot, but is as shallow as a kiddie pool. Charles Grodin is the evil mastermind of the oil expedition who then changes cue to go catch a Kong and bring him back as—here we go—king shit of corporate mascots. The worst creature they came up with for this island for Kong to fight against is a lame giant snake—with lots of teeth. They could’ve at least had Kong fighting the Sinclair dinosaur…
Here’s the breakdown:
The Good:
--Occasionally, the special effects aren’t too bad. But generally, they’re not overly interesting.
--Decent acting from everyone except Lange.
--Decent use of incorporating the whole oil theme into the story, but Christ, dealing oil tycoons in King Kong? This feels pretty stupid.
Didn’t Hurt It, Didn’t Help:
--The effects work on Kong is decent, but not perfect by any means.
--Jessica Lange is hot.
--Kong is now equal to Godzilla in that it’s a dude stomping around a miniature city in a costume. Sometimes it looks just like that, sometimes it looks better than that.
--Kong is good and violent.
--Average Cinematography and Atmosphere.
--Kong climbs the recently completed (at the time) World Trade Center buildings instead of the Empire State Building. You remember those? Some jerks tried to land passenger jets on them and failed miserably.
The Bad:
--Extremely shallow compared to Kong ’33 and Kong ’05.
--NO dinosaurs!
--Very little heart. Lange’s character (still managing to play an actress) is dimwitted and she doesn’t feel for Kong very well. Kong’s emotional display is also pretty iffy. He’s one stiff monkey.
--Kong spends all his time, just like real gorillas, walking upright. Oh wait a second… That’s how people walk! Apes go on all fours! Silly me.
--Kong doesn’t sound very much like an ape.
--Pretty awful sets and backgrounds. Very dull—especially the “lush tropical, primitive island.”
--There’s a part where Kong hold Lange under a waterfall to wash her, then proceeds to blow on her to dry her off. And holy crap, does he ever look ridiculous. Has anyone ever seen an ape puff it’s cheeks and blow on anything? I know I haven’t. I’ve seen ‘em bear their gums and teeth and lick their own snotty nostrils, but never blow air.
The Ugly:
--This is the likely source of the term “bastardization.”
Memorable Scene:
--I guess when Kong breaks loose in New York. Either that or when he pretty much removes Jessica Lange’s top while molesting her. Or, I mean, “touching her to learn about her.”
Acting: 7/10
Story: 3/10 (total raping of a classic)
Atmosphere: 5/10
Cinematography: 5/10
Character Development: 5/10
Special Effects/Make-up: 6/10
Nudity/Sexuality: 3/10 (There’s no nudity, but sex is a primary theme of this one)
Violence/Gore: 6/10 (no gore)
Dialogue: 5/10
Music: 5/10
Direction: 6/10
Cheesiness: 3/10
Crappiness: 2/10
Overall: 5/10
There you have it. This is one inferior remake. It’s interesting and it has a few high points, but it does pretty much everything either worse or wrong than the true blue original King Kong from 1933. And it’s exceptionally shallow. It’s a guilty pleasure or curiosity at best. Generally not recommended. Film buffs and Kong/horror enthusiasts can probably take a gander. A fine example of how to do a remake all wrong.
Adventure/Giant Monster Horror
1976
Color
MPAA Rating: PG
Directed by: John Guillermin
USA
Here we have the classic story of the money-hungry oil company setting course over the ocean to find desolate Skull Island to drill for oil. What’s that you say? That doesn’t sound like the classic you know? Well too bad for you, because 1976 Hollywood doesn’t give a shit what you have to say! They’re coked up and ready to give a true classic a modern raping!
Well, basically, it’s the classic King Kong story, except instead of a film crew, it’s, like I said, an oil company. Way to pander to the oil crisis of the 70’s Hollywood. Jessica Lange now plays the part that made Fay Wray famous, with less brains but more sexiness. Sure, she looks pretty hot, but is as shallow as a kiddie pool. Charles Grodin is the evil mastermind of the oil expedition who then changes cue to go catch a Kong and bring him back as—here we go—king shit of corporate mascots. The worst creature they came up with for this island for Kong to fight against is a lame giant snake—with lots of teeth. They could’ve at least had Kong fighting the Sinclair dinosaur…
Here’s the breakdown:
The Good:
--Occasionally, the special effects aren’t too bad. But generally, they’re not overly interesting.
--Decent acting from everyone except Lange.
--Decent use of incorporating the whole oil theme into the story, but Christ, dealing oil tycoons in King Kong? This feels pretty stupid.
Didn’t Hurt It, Didn’t Help:
--The effects work on Kong is decent, but not perfect by any means.
--Jessica Lange is hot.
--Kong is now equal to Godzilla in that it’s a dude stomping around a miniature city in a costume. Sometimes it looks just like that, sometimes it looks better than that.
--Kong is good and violent.
--Average Cinematography and Atmosphere.
--Kong climbs the recently completed (at the time) World Trade Center buildings instead of the Empire State Building. You remember those? Some jerks tried to land passenger jets on them and failed miserably.
The Bad:
--Extremely shallow compared to Kong ’33 and Kong ’05.
--NO dinosaurs!
--Very little heart. Lange’s character (still managing to play an actress) is dimwitted and she doesn’t feel for Kong very well. Kong’s emotional display is also pretty iffy. He’s one stiff monkey.
--Kong spends all his time, just like real gorillas, walking upright. Oh wait a second… That’s how people walk! Apes go on all fours! Silly me.
--Kong doesn’t sound very much like an ape.
--Pretty awful sets and backgrounds. Very dull—especially the “lush tropical, primitive island.”
--There’s a part where Kong hold Lange under a waterfall to wash her, then proceeds to blow on her to dry her off. And holy crap, does he ever look ridiculous. Has anyone ever seen an ape puff it’s cheeks and blow on anything? I know I haven’t. I’ve seen ‘em bear their gums and teeth and lick their own snotty nostrils, but never blow air.
The Ugly:
--This is the likely source of the term “bastardization.”
Memorable Scene:
--I guess when Kong breaks loose in New York. Either that or when he pretty much removes Jessica Lange’s top while molesting her. Or, I mean, “touching her to learn about her.”
Acting: 7/10
Story: 3/10 (total raping of a classic)
Atmosphere: 5/10
Cinematography: 5/10
Character Development: 5/10
Special Effects/Make-up: 6/10
Nudity/Sexuality: 3/10 (There’s no nudity, but sex is a primary theme of this one)
Violence/Gore: 6/10 (no gore)
Dialogue: 5/10
Music: 5/10
Direction: 6/10
Cheesiness: 3/10
Crappiness: 2/10
Overall: 5/10
There you have it. This is one inferior remake. It’s interesting and it has a few high points, but it does pretty much everything either worse or wrong than the true blue original King Kong from 1933. And it’s exceptionally shallow. It’s a guilty pleasure or curiosity at best. Generally not recommended. Film buffs and Kong/horror enthusiasts can probably take a gander. A fine example of how to do a remake all wrong.
