Post by Quorthon on Nov 11, 2005 12:33:49 GMT -5
Quickshot Collection II: Dark Wolf, Cannibal! The Musical, They
Dark Wolf
2003
R
Let's get right to it: This is a repugnant piece of rotting roadkill with cow shit on it. It's just an awful movie. It's an urban werewolf movie with some of the worst acting imaginable and a story as weak as any gangly nerd from an 80's high school drama film. What's worse is that poor Kane Hodder was duped into playing the gigantic evil werewolf. Kane fucking Hodder. Someone's trying to ensure that playing Jason Voorhees is the height of his film career...
Anyway, former Playmate Jaime Bergman is also in the movie and she eventually becomes a werewolf, too. It's kind of a crappy cop drama with the world's worst looking werewolf in it. But it does have moments of near-rampant nudity. But that's about all. Want to know more? Okay, the werewolf is generally an ugly-looking black blur zipping around the screen. And when we're privaleged enough to actually see a transformation sequence, we're presented with something that resembles a full-motion video from a video game made during the early stages of the Playstation. The first Playstation. The CG animation is really that primitive. Only good for horror hardcore fanatics that want to see small moments of nudity surrounded by rampant visual vomit. 2/10
Cannibal! The Musical!
1996
R
This little ditty was written and directed by Trey "South Park/Orgasmo/Baseketball" Parker. It stars Trey Parker (listed as Juan Schwartz) playing Alfred Packer in the "true" story of Alfred Packer--well known historical American cannibal. Matt Stone, co-creator of South Park and all of Trey's other work also stars in this film.
So, this movie isn't at all what you expect it to be. ...or is it? Depends on what you expect, I guess. Here's what it is: A comical musical about Alfred Packer (1800's American cannibal) with John Waters-esque acting, several musical numbers, moments of rampant gore, truly laughable costumes, a bunch of Japanese people playing Indians, and assorted endless weirdness. There's even a cyclops! "Are you lookin' at my eyeee!?"
In short, this movie is an abolute blast to watch. Humerous musical numbers, excellent gore, hysterical scenes left and right. It really is an oddly enjoyable piece. And it really is a musical, based in part on the true story of Alfred Packer the Old West's favorite cannibal. Highly recommended, loads of fun--but you really need a sense of humor to enjoy it. Trey Parker wrote all the songs--and they're hilarious. Released on DVD by Troma, originally titled "Alfred Packer the Musical." 8/10
They
2002
PG-13
Huhhh, oh god... What a piece... I can't believe Wes Craven stamped his name on this monstrosity. Basically, this is more of that PG-13-era horror trite. It feels exactly the same as Boogeyman and Darkness Falls and The Ring. A somewhat uninspired horror/mystery/thriller that's just slow and dull through and through.
Seems some people were scared of something in their closets when they were kids, and of course, now it's back to get them. Bored yet? Well you will be if you watch this. It's nothing new or special, and far too weak to hold attention. Same exact "scares" as pretty much every other PG-13 horror film of the last 5 years, each one weaker than the last. Really makes you long for that wonderful era of the 1980's when horror filmmakers were out to top each other, not just copy each other. The only bright side here are the fairly interesting looking "evil closet monsters," but they're all CG and we hardly see them at all. Avoid. 2/10
Dark Wolf
2003
R
Let's get right to it: This is a repugnant piece of rotting roadkill with cow shit on it. It's just an awful movie. It's an urban werewolf movie with some of the worst acting imaginable and a story as weak as any gangly nerd from an 80's high school drama film. What's worse is that poor Kane Hodder was duped into playing the gigantic evil werewolf. Kane fucking Hodder. Someone's trying to ensure that playing Jason Voorhees is the height of his film career...
Anyway, former Playmate Jaime Bergman is also in the movie and she eventually becomes a werewolf, too. It's kind of a crappy cop drama with the world's worst looking werewolf in it. But it does have moments of near-rampant nudity. But that's about all. Want to know more? Okay, the werewolf is generally an ugly-looking black blur zipping around the screen. And when we're privaleged enough to actually see a transformation sequence, we're presented with something that resembles a full-motion video from a video game made during the early stages of the Playstation. The first Playstation. The CG animation is really that primitive. Only good for horror hardcore fanatics that want to see small moments of nudity surrounded by rampant visual vomit. 2/10
Cannibal! The Musical!
1996
R
This little ditty was written and directed by Trey "South Park/Orgasmo/Baseketball" Parker. It stars Trey Parker (listed as Juan Schwartz) playing Alfred Packer in the "true" story of Alfred Packer--well known historical American cannibal. Matt Stone, co-creator of South Park and all of Trey's other work also stars in this film.
So, this movie isn't at all what you expect it to be. ...or is it? Depends on what you expect, I guess. Here's what it is: A comical musical about Alfred Packer (1800's American cannibal) with John Waters-esque acting, several musical numbers, moments of rampant gore, truly laughable costumes, a bunch of Japanese people playing Indians, and assorted endless weirdness. There's even a cyclops! "Are you lookin' at my eyeee!?"
In short, this movie is an abolute blast to watch. Humerous musical numbers, excellent gore, hysterical scenes left and right. It really is an oddly enjoyable piece. And it really is a musical, based in part on the true story of Alfred Packer the Old West's favorite cannibal. Highly recommended, loads of fun--but you really need a sense of humor to enjoy it. Trey Parker wrote all the songs--and they're hilarious. Released on DVD by Troma, originally titled "Alfred Packer the Musical." 8/10
They
2002
PG-13
Huhhh, oh god... What a piece... I can't believe Wes Craven stamped his name on this monstrosity. Basically, this is more of that PG-13-era horror trite. It feels exactly the same as Boogeyman and Darkness Falls and The Ring. A somewhat uninspired horror/mystery/thriller that's just slow and dull through and through.
Seems some people were scared of something in their closets when they were kids, and of course, now it's back to get them. Bored yet? Well you will be if you watch this. It's nothing new or special, and far too weak to hold attention. Same exact "scares" as pretty much every other PG-13 horror film of the last 5 years, each one weaker than the last. Really makes you long for that wonderful era of the 1980's when horror filmmakers were out to top each other, not just copy each other. The only bright side here are the fairly interesting looking "evil closet monsters," but they're all CG and we hardly see them at all. Avoid. 2/10
