Post by Quorthon on Oct 24, 2007 9:46:09 GMT -5
Quickshot Collection XII: Naked Massacre, Cemetery Man, Memorial Valley Massacre
Naked Massacre (aka Born for Hell)
1976
R
Naked Massacre is a thriller from the 70’s which dances around not knowing whether it’s horror or exploitation. Essentially, it’s too weak to be true exploitation (like “I Spit on Your Grave”), and lacks the proper atmosphere to make a real horror film. So, it’s more like a murderous thriller or a slasher film without the usual flair or atmosphere of said genre.
This film follows an American Vietnam vet fresh from deployment who has been plunked down in England and is looking for a way to get home. Why didn’t the Army send him to his actual home? Hey, if character development was a big deal here, we’d probably know the answer. Well, eventually, our poor and generally homeless war vet ends up stalking and killing a house full of nurses and/or nursing students. He kills them in boring ways like stabbing or strangling—the hallmarks of the movie killer-man, right? The interesting part of this comes from the fact that he forces a lot of the girls to be naked before he kills, humiliates, or slightly tortures them. He forces one to perform oral sex on another with little success. I figured the title was just to get some attention and that there was likely not much nudity. There actually was a decent amount of nudity—not a ton, but a bit more than I expected. Remember though, I expected very little because films of this nature from the 70’s (60’s and 80’s, too) often had misleading titles that didn’t deliver the goods. Essentially, delivering the goods (naked chicks) is about all this movie does well.
The acting is drab—not terrible, but not very interesting. There are no truly interesting characters, the killer included, and the atmosphere is painfully weak. The music is average 70’s fare that does a decent job of feeling dated. The film offers little in the way of unique or interesting moments and overall just feels very average. However, the film is inspired (very obviously) on actual events. The place was Chicago, I believe, the 1960’s, and the killer was Richard Speck who did kill eight nursing students in a single night in the house/tenement building they all shared. So that does add some level of interest to the film. Not really recommended otherwise.
4/10
Cemetery Man (aka Dellamorte Dellamore)
1994
R
This is a bizarre piece of Italian cinema. For one, it takes place somewhere in England and it filmed in English. To that point, one can’t really tell that it really is Italian horror, except for that signature Italian “class” that lightly coats the film (like Suspiria or Opera). However, it was directed by an Italian filmmaker, Michele Soavi, who is known to be associated with the likes of Fulci and Argento. It stars Rupert Everett and the amazingly gorgeous Anna Falchi. And it has zombies. And a love story. And a fat retarded guy.
Rupert Everett is the caretaker of a cemetery and the local mortician. His cemetery has a problem: Corpses tend to return from the dead seven days after dying. So he doesn’t get much sleep as he and his bumbling retarded counterpart spend a lot of nights fighting off zombies. Early on, an old geezer dies and his sexy wife (Falchi) attends the funeral where Rupert Everett sees her and falls madly in love with her. Of course, when he finally talks to her and starts having sex with her, her husband returns and bad times are had by all. Believe it or not, a big chunk of this film is Rupert Everett dealing with trying to find love and humorously, he meets three women who all look like his dream goddess (Falchi again), who all in one way or another end up breaking his heart. On top of this, there are countless people dying in this humble burg and a great many zombies to deal with (many are Boy Scouts from a bus crash). Then, as if there wasn’t already enough going on, Rupert Everett starts talking to Death and then he goes out killing people. This movie is totally packed with weird content! And the best part is: It’s all wonderfully entertaining!
The acting is actually done really well, with a good deal of class thrown in. The zombies look decent and are pretty entertaining and Anna Falchi looks hot, on top of which, she is nude for a cemetery sex scene which is very amusing. The film has an artistic flair to it and the atmosphere is actually very appropriate to a horror film, which is a fantastic point since there is so much going on that could have detracted from the atmosphere in a lesser film. The story is the highlight here as it doesn’t really have twists and turns so much as it’s filled with weirdness and surprises as well as some truly entertaining characters. You can't help but laugh the third time you see Anna Falchi show up as a different character, or when the retarded guy vomits on the mayor's daughter. Overall, it’s a charming horror film that never fails to entertain. The weirdness and abstract nature of the film continues to build right to the head-scratching ending. About the only problems with Cemetery Man are that is seems to drag on with no actual ending in sight at a few points (because the story is so weird) and there are some truly cheap special effects with “spirits” in the cemetery. They’re balls of fire hung on string. And the strings are very visible. Otherwise, it’s highly recommended to fans of horror and weirdness.
8/10
Memorial Valley Massacre
1988
R
My Mom has a tendency to buy some generally crappy box sets of generally crappy old, forgotten-for-a-reason horror movies that even the most ardent horror fans look at with confusion at the sub-substandard films listed therein. That’s where I found this little gem. In a box set I swiped from my Mom. There’s a reason some of these movies end up stuffed into half-assed box sets. Let me enlighten you on the many reasons this claptrap ended up stuffed away in a bottom-feeding box set.
First off, wow. Just, wow. The movie starts off right from the gate with crappiness as the opening title is painfully lame. It’s a “rustic” ye olde west style font with bright yellow and orange colors and a faked 3-D look. It slides into view from the right of the screen akin to the first PowerPoint presentation of a high school student who just learned how to have a text box slide into view. The film revolves around a national park/campground which, despite being unfinished, is now open for business. Most of this “terrifying” film takes place in daylight, by the way, so picture that atmosphere. Well, there appear to be some evil omens afoot, all of which appear to look bad, none of which are ever investigated—like the deaths of two dogs, theft from the park manager’s office, a window knocked out of a storage shed, stuff like that. A manner of clichéd guests arrive and stay at this campground which, mind you, doesn’t even appear to have camping spots fleshed out so that we are met with a montage scene of people haphazardly setting up camp, backing over trees, chopping down other trees (which, mind you, falls over below the level at which it was being cut) and stupid stuff like this, all accompanied with dreadfully happy music. Turns out, there’s hardly a massacre going on here at all (another one of those old horror films with blatantly misleading titles to draw in an audience), just some stupid mountain wild-man dressed in cliché caveman garb who terrorizes people. By the way, he’s also the long-lost son of someone important in the film—a fact which is all-too-easily figured out. This film has all the clichés: The old guy who dramatically tells of mysterious backgrounds, the badass biker gang, the slutty chick and obnoxious teenagers, the tough guy connected to the plot twist, and the lone sweet girl who predictably falls for the “handsome” hero guy.
There are some occasionally nice death scenes, but some of them could’ve used some foreshadowing or additional thought. There’s a big trap built by the wild-man just like the one in Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto (which I’ve also just recently seen) but some foreshadowing would’ve been nice to tie to the beginning of the film to the end—just like Gibson did in his film. Here, no such luck. The trap comes out of nowhere and makes little sense compared to extremely simple nature of the wild-man. There is no depth at all and the acting is just plain bad. Boring, mundane, clichéd characters that have little to say that’s even remotely interesting. Zero atmosphere. Also, I don’t think a series of killings done over a few days by a scared/crazy guy trying to (apparently) protect his territory necessarily count as a massacre. Stupid things like the wild-man supposedly starting a tractor and allowing it to run into a building happen that don’t make any sense. Hell, several people are killed by simply not walking away from their respective threats! The old man storyteller is set on fire and everyone just watches him run past in flames. No one tries to help him! They just watch him slowly saunter past with “Gosh! Look at that!” facial expressions. Aside from a scant few fairly interesting kills and some partial nudity (in a sex scene where you really see nothing), there is no reason at all to watch this film. The base concept behind the story isn’t terrible, but since everything else was just done way wrong, there is no redeeming value. Not recommended for anyone.
2/10
Naked Massacre (aka Born for Hell)
1976
R
Naked Massacre is a thriller from the 70’s which dances around not knowing whether it’s horror or exploitation. Essentially, it’s too weak to be true exploitation (like “I Spit on Your Grave”), and lacks the proper atmosphere to make a real horror film. So, it’s more like a murderous thriller or a slasher film without the usual flair or atmosphere of said genre.
This film follows an American Vietnam vet fresh from deployment who has been plunked down in England and is looking for a way to get home. Why didn’t the Army send him to his actual home? Hey, if character development was a big deal here, we’d probably know the answer. Well, eventually, our poor and generally homeless war vet ends up stalking and killing a house full of nurses and/or nursing students. He kills them in boring ways like stabbing or strangling—the hallmarks of the movie killer-man, right? The interesting part of this comes from the fact that he forces a lot of the girls to be naked before he kills, humiliates, or slightly tortures them. He forces one to perform oral sex on another with little success. I figured the title was just to get some attention and that there was likely not much nudity. There actually was a decent amount of nudity—not a ton, but a bit more than I expected. Remember though, I expected very little because films of this nature from the 70’s (60’s and 80’s, too) often had misleading titles that didn’t deliver the goods. Essentially, delivering the goods (naked chicks) is about all this movie does well.
The acting is drab—not terrible, but not very interesting. There are no truly interesting characters, the killer included, and the atmosphere is painfully weak. The music is average 70’s fare that does a decent job of feeling dated. The film offers little in the way of unique or interesting moments and overall just feels very average. However, the film is inspired (very obviously) on actual events. The place was Chicago, I believe, the 1960’s, and the killer was Richard Speck who did kill eight nursing students in a single night in the house/tenement building they all shared. So that does add some level of interest to the film. Not really recommended otherwise.
4/10
Cemetery Man (aka Dellamorte Dellamore)
1994
R
This is a bizarre piece of Italian cinema. For one, it takes place somewhere in England and it filmed in English. To that point, one can’t really tell that it really is Italian horror, except for that signature Italian “class” that lightly coats the film (like Suspiria or Opera). However, it was directed by an Italian filmmaker, Michele Soavi, who is known to be associated with the likes of Fulci and Argento. It stars Rupert Everett and the amazingly gorgeous Anna Falchi. And it has zombies. And a love story. And a fat retarded guy.
Rupert Everett is the caretaker of a cemetery and the local mortician. His cemetery has a problem: Corpses tend to return from the dead seven days after dying. So he doesn’t get much sleep as he and his bumbling retarded counterpart spend a lot of nights fighting off zombies. Early on, an old geezer dies and his sexy wife (Falchi) attends the funeral where Rupert Everett sees her and falls madly in love with her. Of course, when he finally talks to her and starts having sex with her, her husband returns and bad times are had by all. Believe it or not, a big chunk of this film is Rupert Everett dealing with trying to find love and humorously, he meets three women who all look like his dream goddess (Falchi again), who all in one way or another end up breaking his heart. On top of this, there are countless people dying in this humble burg and a great many zombies to deal with (many are Boy Scouts from a bus crash). Then, as if there wasn’t already enough going on, Rupert Everett starts talking to Death and then he goes out killing people. This movie is totally packed with weird content! And the best part is: It’s all wonderfully entertaining!
The acting is actually done really well, with a good deal of class thrown in. The zombies look decent and are pretty entertaining and Anna Falchi looks hot, on top of which, she is nude for a cemetery sex scene which is very amusing. The film has an artistic flair to it and the atmosphere is actually very appropriate to a horror film, which is a fantastic point since there is so much going on that could have detracted from the atmosphere in a lesser film. The story is the highlight here as it doesn’t really have twists and turns so much as it’s filled with weirdness and surprises as well as some truly entertaining characters. You can't help but laugh the third time you see Anna Falchi show up as a different character, or when the retarded guy vomits on the mayor's daughter. Overall, it’s a charming horror film that never fails to entertain. The weirdness and abstract nature of the film continues to build right to the head-scratching ending. About the only problems with Cemetery Man are that is seems to drag on with no actual ending in sight at a few points (because the story is so weird) and there are some truly cheap special effects with “spirits” in the cemetery. They’re balls of fire hung on string. And the strings are very visible. Otherwise, it’s highly recommended to fans of horror and weirdness.
8/10
Memorial Valley Massacre
1988
R
My Mom has a tendency to buy some generally crappy box sets of generally crappy old, forgotten-for-a-reason horror movies that even the most ardent horror fans look at with confusion at the sub-substandard films listed therein. That’s where I found this little gem. In a box set I swiped from my Mom. There’s a reason some of these movies end up stuffed into half-assed box sets. Let me enlighten you on the many reasons this claptrap ended up stuffed away in a bottom-feeding box set.
First off, wow. Just, wow. The movie starts off right from the gate with crappiness as the opening title is painfully lame. It’s a “rustic” ye olde west style font with bright yellow and orange colors and a faked 3-D look. It slides into view from the right of the screen akin to the first PowerPoint presentation of a high school student who just learned how to have a text box slide into view. The film revolves around a national park/campground which, despite being unfinished, is now open for business. Most of this “terrifying” film takes place in daylight, by the way, so picture that atmosphere. Well, there appear to be some evil omens afoot, all of which appear to look bad, none of which are ever investigated—like the deaths of two dogs, theft from the park manager’s office, a window knocked out of a storage shed, stuff like that. A manner of clichéd guests arrive and stay at this campground which, mind you, doesn’t even appear to have camping spots fleshed out so that we are met with a montage scene of people haphazardly setting up camp, backing over trees, chopping down other trees (which, mind you, falls over below the level at which it was being cut) and stupid stuff like this, all accompanied with dreadfully happy music. Turns out, there’s hardly a massacre going on here at all (another one of those old horror films with blatantly misleading titles to draw in an audience), just some stupid mountain wild-man dressed in cliché caveman garb who terrorizes people. By the way, he’s also the long-lost son of someone important in the film—a fact which is all-too-easily figured out. This film has all the clichés: The old guy who dramatically tells of mysterious backgrounds, the badass biker gang, the slutty chick and obnoxious teenagers, the tough guy connected to the plot twist, and the lone sweet girl who predictably falls for the “handsome” hero guy.
There are some occasionally nice death scenes, but some of them could’ve used some foreshadowing or additional thought. There’s a big trap built by the wild-man just like the one in Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto (which I’ve also just recently seen) but some foreshadowing would’ve been nice to tie to the beginning of the film to the end—just like Gibson did in his film. Here, no such luck. The trap comes out of nowhere and makes little sense compared to extremely simple nature of the wild-man. There is no depth at all and the acting is just plain bad. Boring, mundane, clichéd characters that have little to say that’s even remotely interesting. Zero atmosphere. Also, I don’t think a series of killings done over a few days by a scared/crazy guy trying to (apparently) protect his territory necessarily count as a massacre. Stupid things like the wild-man supposedly starting a tractor and allowing it to run into a building happen that don’t make any sense. Hell, several people are killed by simply not walking away from their respective threats! The old man storyteller is set on fire and everyone just watches him run past in flames. No one tries to help him! They just watch him slowly saunter past with “Gosh! Look at that!” facial expressions. Aside from a scant few fairly interesting kills and some partial nudity (in a sex scene where you really see nothing), there is no reason at all to watch this film. The base concept behind the story isn’t terrible, but since everything else was just done way wrong, there is no redeeming value. Not recommended for anyone.
2/10
