Underworld (and why I want to cry)

[taxidriver]

Oh dear. After constant badgering from a friend, I finally rented out this film and my eyes were raped for nearly two hours by this atrocity. Now I know why you shouldn't trust male friends who wear make up and drink red wine like pretentious wankers.

A big fan of Blade, I had become disenchanted by the whole vampire-techno-goth-action genre. I hoped Underworld might restore my faith, especially after the disaster that was Blade: Trinity. But all of that was in vain. This is without doubt one of the most unoriginal, dull films I've ever seen (and I've seen some real shit). It's basically the plot of Blade 2 - vampires battle other evil species, in this case werewolves, or 'lycans', because that's cool - mixed with the look of The Matrix. This would be great if the plot of Blade 2 hadn't been rubbish and somehow people forgot the director ripped off The Matrix for his look. It's full of ancient prophecies, ancient scores, yadda yadda yadda... All this plot is revealed in huge chunks of speech, which is very boring. Show, don't tell!

Kate Beckinsale would normally get my vote, as she's hot and English (as am I). However, she has failed to impress me as a decent actress, Underworld being no exception. She just sounds so posh, it's hard to take her seriously. She supposed to be some rock hard werewolf-hunter, but here she sounds like she belongs in Pride and Prejudice! Honestly, if I were a werewolf, I'd just laugh in her face (and check out all my funky fur). She was also pretty vacant and wooden in her performance, but she provided some great eye candy, so I guess that makes up for it.

Shane Brolly (stupid name?), who played Craven, the vampire leader, was abysmal. It was like watching the first five minutes of a porn film whenever he was onscreen - you know, when the porn stars are trying way too hard to act convincingly, and he's all like, "Hey , can I fix your fridge?" and she's like "Yeah... it's so hot." and he's like "What? It's a fridge" and she goes "Yeah, I know, fucking useless, isn't it? I want a fridge, not an oven. It's causing my life hell. Why do you think I called you over?" and he winks and goes "So we could have sex?" and she's like "Yeah, you got my cunning subtext". So yeah, he's just like that. He looks like he's sucking on a lemon every time he scowls, which is all the time, become it seems as though he only has one facial expression. His sexually ambiguous shirts also detracted from any gravitas he had left (which wasn't a lot).

As for Bill Nighy, quality hamming it up, but if anyone's seen the mighty Shaun of the Dead, they'll find it pretty hard to keep a straight face where he's concerned. To be honest, it's a shame a good actor like this got caught up in this mess.

The director, Len Wiseman, has music video director written all over him. Endless tracking shots of pasty Goths walking through faux-Goth mansions, and stairway shots lifted right from The Matrix. Any visual aesthetics in this film would have been great for about 5 minutes, but stretched over 2hours, they get extremely repetitive. The 'fight' scenes themselves consist of a bunch of people we don't like shooting in slo-mo at a bunch of people we don't care about. It might have been cool if, Matrix-style, people dodged bullets, or did something to justify the constant use of this special effect. But no, apparently we're just watching people getting shot very, very slowly. What is it with these music video/commercial directors? Tony Scott managed it (Top Gun, True Romance), Alejandro G. Inarritu managed it (Amores Perros, 21 Grams), Spike Jonze managed it (Adaptation, Being John Malkovich), so why couldn't Wiseman?

Even as light-hearted B-movie fare, Underworld falls short of the mark. Yes, Kate Beckinsale is sexy/kick-ass/whatever, but she simply lacks that indefinable cool that Wesley Snipes had in the Blade series. Having seen Underworld, you realise what a good job Carrie-Ann Moss did in The Matrix. Beckinsale had no chemistry with Scott Speedman, who incidentally was so dull I mistook him for a tree in several scenes. The afore-mentioned slo-mo action slowed down the pacing of the film, and the accompanying music was some bland MTV selection. See Desperado or Kill Bill for good combos of music and action.

The biggest problem for me though (because I just haven't listed enough already) was the fact that everyone took themselves so seriously. No tongue-in-cheek, no coy asides, no knowing winks. Come on guys, you're in a film about an ancient war between vampires and werewolves. It's not exactly gritty realism, is it? Lighten up!

And just to top it all off, a sequel, Underworld: Evolution, has been given the green light. Maybe that means it'll evolve into a good film. An internet synopsis goes like this: “As the war between vampires and werewolves rages on, the legacy of both races is revealed. The personal histories of Selene and Viktor are also revealed.” Fuck me. I just can't wait.

[Bartwald]

A handsome review you got there, taxidriver! I still haven't seen the movie, so I can't really say whether I agree with everything or not, though.

Considering what you wrote about Kate Beckinsale, Blade: Trinity (which I, personally, quite liked) and so on, could you please tell us: what's your opinion on Van Helsing? The Board, you see, is torn between two extreme attitudes as far as its quality is concerned.

[Phoenix]

That was a great review of Underworld! I thought I was one of the very few who disliked it.

My biggest problem: whoever did the make up did a VERY VERY poor job. At the end of the movie (SPOILERS HERE) the main character 'transforms' into a half wolf/vampire mix and ends up looking like a poor man's Lou Ferrigno (from the Incredible Hulk TV show). I actually remembering LAUGHING in the theater. Two of the deadliest creatures on earth mix and you get this wimpy & pathetic creature. AGH! Horrible!

[taxidriver]

A point well made, Phoenix. I think the only really good werewolf transformation I've seen in a film is the one in An American Werewolf In London.

As far as Van Helsing is concerned, it's pretty cheesy, but it has one up on Underworld for acknowledging that it's not really a serious film. It has the decency to laugh at itself and make a few jokes. Having said that, my final verdict would be thumbs down, I'm afraid.

[Quorthon]

That's a good review, man. I especially like when you compared one actor to a tree. Niiiiiice.

Personally, I thought the movie was alright, but nothing special. And I fucking hate bullettime and CG werewolves.

But I love Kate Beckinsdale. Oh yeah!

[Bartwald]

quorthon said:

But I love Kate Beckinsdale. Oh yeah!

I love her, too. But my problem is I also love CG werewolves, you know.

[Heineken Skywalker]

taxidriver said:

A point well made, Phoenix. I think the only really good werewolf transformation I've seen in a film is the one in An American Werewolf In London.

I actually think the one in THE HOWLING is better and scarier. Though both are starting to show their age.
Good review and you know, I fully expected to hate this movie, (Bullet time, leather outfits, Matrix & Blade rip-off, techno music, etc.) but I didn't. Maybe it's the fact that a friend gave me the dvd so I never had to pay to see it. Movies are always better when they're free. But even if I'd paid, I'd still think this was much better than VAN HELSING which I absolutely hated. Just because a movie laughs at itself doesn't give it the right to suck as bad as HELSING did.
Beckinsale is much better in this than in VH, probably because she doesn't have to try to pull off a laughably bad accent.
Don't get me wrong. It's no classic, but for what it is, I enjoyed it.
2.5/5 or 6/10 or "One thumb up" or "Two snaps and a twist" or whatever...

[taxidriver]

Sorry to ressurect this monstrosity from the past, but I notice with a great amount of trepidation that the sequel, Underworld: Evolution, is out in the UK all too soon. It may already be out in the US, I don't know. I had hoped that Kate Beckinsale would have seen the finished product, and smothered director Len Wiseman with her leather costume. But no such luck; Beckinsale has married him. God really is a funny fucker.

But enough of my rant. What say you of the new film? Anybody seen it? And will it be any better than the previous effort? Having seen the trailer, I'm not overly hopeful, but I know one of my sell-out, faux-goth friends will drag me to see it...

[Quorthon]

I have no interest in the Underworld sequel.

I only really thought the first movie was "okay."

And as everyone on here is well aware: CG werewolves are one of my (apparently many) motion picture pet peeves.

[Phoenix]

Previews look terrible to me, so I will be skipping it. I *hated* the first one.

[Termination]

Will wait for its first dvd to be released than buy the unrated or extended version 1 month later. ;D

I liked Underworld enough to buy 2 copies of the film. Not by choice thou if you read my above comment.

[slayrrr666]

“Underworld” isn’t going to change either creatures’ mythologies, but it’s still pretty decent.

**SPOILERS**

Fighting a war for eons, vampire Selene, (Kate Beckinsale) takes an interest in human Michael Corvin, (Scott Speedman) which her werewolf adversaries do as well. Unable to figure out why leader Kravin, (Shane Brolly) doesn’t follow up on the confrontation, she rescues him from a further attack by werewolf leader Lucian, (Michael Sheen) and tries to understand his importance. While they spend the next few days making various plans for a return for their elder, Viktor, (Bill Nighy) Lucian prepares an all-out war, and with Michael as the key, the vampires race to stop him.

The Good News: There are some really nice things in here. The fact that it mixes so many different areas and ideas into it that it appears to be pretty clever. To be plunked down in the middle of a centuries long war between the two sides is nicely played out, and the few encounters between the sides are pretty much the main reason to see this. From the opening shootout that really goes where it doesn’t expect it to go all the way to a slaughter among a train and the drag-down conclusion, there’s a lot of action scenes in here. The assault at the apartment is really interesting, with some really innovative ideas and a really fun appeal. One of the main fascinating sequences is the car chase. Starting on a really interesting notion and continuing on inside the car, it’s a fun watch with some really interesting and drives off enough of the action film chase scene cliches to get some excitement at the end. The ending is really great about it, and that features some more great parts about the chase. The slaughter on the train is really fun to see, as the overall action and high gore make it a really great scene. That also helps it out when it shows it, as there is some pretty good gore scenes in here. From being impaled with razor-bladed throwing discs, gunshots, scratched open across the face, part of the face sliced off and a very brutal bite on the shoulder, this isn’t a gorefest but it didn’t have to be and has just enough for it to be decent enough and appeal to ones who’ll really enjoy it. The werewolf design isn’t all that terrible either, with a large imposing body, long powerful limbs with vicious claws, and a smaller proportionate head than usual, but it still somehow works for the design. Nowhere near the upper echelon of designs, but it works and that’s what matters. The fact that they’re actually live and not CGI is a huge plus, as they look more real and have a bigger degree of realism than other types. The all-important transformation comes back into play here, and the fact that they are also done in real time makes it all the better. It’s not that terrible, and can feature some good moments when it has to.

The Bad News: There are several problems with the film, with the biggest one being that it’s just a long borefest at times. Apart from a couple of scenes, there’s no real action here and consists of long conversation scenes that just wear on and on. This is mostly present in the middle of the movie, which has only one action scene to break things up, and after it’s over, there’s a long period of discussion going on. Considering that the two sides are supposedly at war with each other, why so much time is spent on talking is rather curious, and would’ve been far better had this been a really all-out war. That aspect of the story isn’t all that well built-up either, and rather than showing the two sides really going at each other with an intense hatred, the confrontations aren’t that heated until the end and the ones that happen in between are really lackluster when compared to how a war is supposed to be. The CGI is also a factor, since it always looks so obvious and most of the time can be very noticeable. It’s mostly used for what should’ve been big action scenes, and it really detracts from what’s going on. The over-glossy look to the film is one of it’s biggest distraction, and it can be a detriment since, out of nowhere, there’s this incredibly stylish shot that does nothing really for the film. Instead of being of importance to the film, it’s just there because it can be done. There’s really no value for them being there. One of the greatest damaging factors is that, since it plays like an action film, there’s very little actual horror to it. With no scares or an aura of mystery surrounding everything, it really loses on the horror aspects. These elements really hurt the film.

The Final Verdict: There’s enough here to like, but there’s also a lot to really get irritated about it. If you can get around the negative parts and accept that it’s a long, drawn-out action film with monsters as the two sides, it should provide some entertainment value. It’s worth a watch, but it’s not as great as what’s been said about it.

Rated R: Graphic Violence and Graphic Language