Post by Quorthon on Oct 18, 2005 13:24:08 GMT -5
How To Make A Monster
Creature Horror
2001
Color
MPAA Rating: R
Directed by: George Huang
USA
Some time back, Stan Winston's company started remaking a bunch of old 50's-era horror films under the moniker of "Creature Features." This was followed with a line of action figures damn near as good as those from Todd McFarlane's company. The high quality of the figures was a far cry above the quality of the movies, unfortunatley. After seeing "I Was a Teenage Caveman," "Earth vs. the Spider," and ... that one about the sea serpent-lady; I eventually caught this one on HBO. Let me tell yah, these movies all have something in common--extremely cool, very high quality monsters/creatures/creature effects coupled with piss-poor acting, sloppy directing, lackluster writing and plague upon plague of seemingly endless problems...
This particular film revolves around a video game company--the world's saddest and most pathetic video game company. Of course, it's governed by the most asinine people who only ever really give a shit about their "bottom line" and for no real apparent reason, believe that the only way to sell their putrid game is to make one character in it "wicked fuckin' scary." So they hire the most obnoxious team of "game designers" on the planet and lock 'em up in something resembling a prison of the near-future allowing only four weeks to make this "scary scary monster." We have, of course, the typical pimply-faced, four-eyes nerd who is short and whiny and wears clothing homeless people sneer at. We have the tough but smart black guy who looks like he belongs in Calvin Klein ads or something akin to that--not in a video game studio. He's the calm intellectual, you know. And, god only knows why, we have a giant behemoth of a man who is all muscles and evil and attitude and all kinds of shit like that. His name is "Hardcore." I'm not kidding. He thinks carrying real weapons around with him is what makes him a bad-ass programmer. So he has a nice stockpile of swords and crossbows and knives and all kinds of crap for no reason. Well, eventually, through the magic of the motion picture, the "wicked evil nasty" monster they're making comes to life via power surge & mechanical body suit that the filmmakers are trying to pass off as a motion capture suit. Oh, and the monster, when it comes to life, begins killing everyone and Julie Strain shows up to be topless for one scene.
Here’s the breakdown:
The Good:
--The monster looks really freakin' cool. Of course it does. It's Stan Winston's studio at the helm, why wouldn't it?
--Sure, Julie Strain ain't exactly pretty, but seeing her topless was one of the minor pluses here...
Didn’t Hurt It, Didn’t Help:
--The acting pitched and waned in quality--I'm sure it was the best everyone could do with such thoughtless writing.
--Mundane music--very average.
--Generally lame dialogue.
--Average violence/gore for one of these films. None of the Creature Features are really all that gory, though.
The Bad:
--The characters are just awful. Hardcore is actually played by Tyler Mane--the ex-professional wrestler. Sound familiar? He was also Sabretooth in the X-Men movie. These are the most wildly unrealistic video-game developers/programmers I've ever seen. And I've been a gamer for over 15 years now. I know what these people are like. And it ain't this.
--True, video game companies have tons of secrecy surrounding their projects--but it's not like the future-jail look of this place. The real way they keep programmers quiet about what they're working on? Confidentiality agreements. You sign on the dotted line and you keep your mouth shut. Not mechanical doors and windows that slam shut to keep the programmers locked away in total isolation.
--It's incredible to realize that the effects artists here could make such a bitchin' monster, but do so immensly poorly on that video game the group of losers is making. It looks just putrid. The apparent point of it is to walk around and kill things. That's it. That might not mean much to the average movie goer, but to gamers like myself, it's just annoying.
--Terrible, terrible sets. Wildly unrealistic. I mentioned enough about them already.
--Extremely innaccurate "motion capture" suit. These things in real life are generally more like skin-tight unitards with little balls attached to measure movement. Not an inside-out robot that does the moving for person wearing it.
--The atmosphere is simply too weak to sustain this film or detract from the poor characters or vomit-inducing writing.
--Character depth pops up here and there but is loose and desperate. It's used more to try to make us like somebody until the inevitable event occurs which makes us loathe them all the more. The nerd has typical "girls don't like me" problems. No depth is explored in the other two asylum rejected "programmers." The intern "has problems with boys." Her boyfriend (who we see for roughly 20 seconds is Danny Masterson from "That 70's Show." He plays a reasonless asshole.
--Use of "VR" helmets--as if that's cool or accurate to anything. Why on earth would game designers develop a game suing technology that will never be applied to the actual game? This is based in part on reality--all marketed VR helmets have been major financial (and consumer) failures--too costly and too much promised that never pays off.
The Ugly:
--Not one damn character in this whole movie is likable. No shit. Even Clea DuVall, who plays the sweetheart intern girl, turns bitchy and conniving and greedy by the time the movie's over.
--Big firey explosion that kills the nerd must have killed him with a heart attack. This is Stan Winston's studio, remember? Why isn't the nerd a grisly charred corpse?
--So, who was the core audience for this movie? Horror fans? Gamers? Gamer/Horror fans? Well, I can tell you right now, most gamers will find this insulting or aggravating if not amusing. It's really rather stupid and mundane for general horror fans--but passable for us "Hardcore" horror fanatics. But this film seems as though it was made so that gamers would think it's really bitchin' cool. But, clearly, no research was done to see that there was any accuracy in the Game Studio/Company.
--I know these Creature Feature remakes are supposed to be kinda cheesy, and even a little campy--but this? This is way beyond that. It feels like intentional cruelty to the viewer...
Memorable Scene:
--The intern vs. the evil monster, while she's wearing the VR helmet. That sounds pretty stupid doesn't it? Yeah, that's why I chose it.
Acting: 5/10
Story: 2/10
Atmosphere: 4/10
Cinematography: 5/10
Character Development: 2/10
Special Effects/Make-up: 8/10
Nudity/Sexuality: 2/10
Violence/Gore: 7/10 (minimal gore, decent amount of violence)
Sets/Backgrounds: 0/10
Dialogue: 5/10
Music: 5/10
Writing: 2/10
Direction: 3/10
Cheesiness: 7/10
Crappiness: 7/10
Overall: 3/10
Well, hardcore horror buffs--especially those who enjoy pure cheesy crappy crap can go ahead and take a look. Will be too stupid for hardcore gamers or most casual gamers--perhaps even insulting. About average when compared to the other awful Creature Features--worse in some aspects. General movie-goers should watch something else.
Creature Horror
2001
Color
MPAA Rating: R
Directed by: George Huang
USA
Some time back, Stan Winston's company started remaking a bunch of old 50's-era horror films under the moniker of "Creature Features." This was followed with a line of action figures damn near as good as those from Todd McFarlane's company. The high quality of the figures was a far cry above the quality of the movies, unfortunatley. After seeing "I Was a Teenage Caveman," "Earth vs. the Spider," and ... that one about the sea serpent-lady; I eventually caught this one on HBO. Let me tell yah, these movies all have something in common--extremely cool, very high quality monsters/creatures/creature effects coupled with piss-poor acting, sloppy directing, lackluster writing and plague upon plague of seemingly endless problems...
This particular film revolves around a video game company--the world's saddest and most pathetic video game company. Of course, it's governed by the most asinine people who only ever really give a shit about their "bottom line" and for no real apparent reason, believe that the only way to sell their putrid game is to make one character in it "wicked fuckin' scary." So they hire the most obnoxious team of "game designers" on the planet and lock 'em up in something resembling a prison of the near-future allowing only four weeks to make this "scary scary monster." We have, of course, the typical pimply-faced, four-eyes nerd who is short and whiny and wears clothing homeless people sneer at. We have the tough but smart black guy who looks like he belongs in Calvin Klein ads or something akin to that--not in a video game studio. He's the calm intellectual, you know. And, god only knows why, we have a giant behemoth of a man who is all muscles and evil and attitude and all kinds of shit like that. His name is "Hardcore." I'm not kidding. He thinks carrying real weapons around with him is what makes him a bad-ass programmer. So he has a nice stockpile of swords and crossbows and knives and all kinds of crap for no reason. Well, eventually, through the magic of the motion picture, the "wicked evil nasty" monster they're making comes to life via power surge & mechanical body suit that the filmmakers are trying to pass off as a motion capture suit. Oh, and the monster, when it comes to life, begins killing everyone and Julie Strain shows up to be topless for one scene.
Here’s the breakdown:
The Good:
--The monster looks really freakin' cool. Of course it does. It's Stan Winston's studio at the helm, why wouldn't it?
--Sure, Julie Strain ain't exactly pretty, but seeing her topless was one of the minor pluses here...
Didn’t Hurt It, Didn’t Help:
--The acting pitched and waned in quality--I'm sure it was the best everyone could do with such thoughtless writing.
--Mundane music--very average.
--Generally lame dialogue.
--Average violence/gore for one of these films. None of the Creature Features are really all that gory, though.
The Bad:
--The characters are just awful. Hardcore is actually played by Tyler Mane--the ex-professional wrestler. Sound familiar? He was also Sabretooth in the X-Men movie. These are the most wildly unrealistic video-game developers/programmers I've ever seen. And I've been a gamer for over 15 years now. I know what these people are like. And it ain't this.
--True, video game companies have tons of secrecy surrounding their projects--but it's not like the future-jail look of this place. The real way they keep programmers quiet about what they're working on? Confidentiality agreements. You sign on the dotted line and you keep your mouth shut. Not mechanical doors and windows that slam shut to keep the programmers locked away in total isolation.
--It's incredible to realize that the effects artists here could make such a bitchin' monster, but do so immensly poorly on that video game the group of losers is making. It looks just putrid. The apparent point of it is to walk around and kill things. That's it. That might not mean much to the average movie goer, but to gamers like myself, it's just annoying.
--Terrible, terrible sets. Wildly unrealistic. I mentioned enough about them already.
--Extremely innaccurate "motion capture" suit. These things in real life are generally more like skin-tight unitards with little balls attached to measure movement. Not an inside-out robot that does the moving for person wearing it.
--The atmosphere is simply too weak to sustain this film or detract from the poor characters or vomit-inducing writing.
--Character depth pops up here and there but is loose and desperate. It's used more to try to make us like somebody until the inevitable event occurs which makes us loathe them all the more. The nerd has typical "girls don't like me" problems. No depth is explored in the other two asylum rejected "programmers." The intern "has problems with boys." Her boyfriend (who we see for roughly 20 seconds is Danny Masterson from "That 70's Show." He plays a reasonless asshole.
--Use of "VR" helmets--as if that's cool or accurate to anything. Why on earth would game designers develop a game suing technology that will never be applied to the actual game? This is based in part on reality--all marketed VR helmets have been major financial (and consumer) failures--too costly and too much promised that never pays off.
The Ugly:
--Not one damn character in this whole movie is likable. No shit. Even Clea DuVall, who plays the sweetheart intern girl, turns bitchy and conniving and greedy by the time the movie's over.
--Big firey explosion that kills the nerd must have killed him with a heart attack. This is Stan Winston's studio, remember? Why isn't the nerd a grisly charred corpse?
--So, who was the core audience for this movie? Horror fans? Gamers? Gamer/Horror fans? Well, I can tell you right now, most gamers will find this insulting or aggravating if not amusing. It's really rather stupid and mundane for general horror fans--but passable for us "Hardcore" horror fanatics. But this film seems as though it was made so that gamers would think it's really bitchin' cool. But, clearly, no research was done to see that there was any accuracy in the Game Studio/Company.
--I know these Creature Feature remakes are supposed to be kinda cheesy, and even a little campy--but this? This is way beyond that. It feels like intentional cruelty to the viewer...
Memorable Scene:
--The intern vs. the evil monster, while she's wearing the VR helmet. That sounds pretty stupid doesn't it? Yeah, that's why I chose it.
Acting: 5/10
Story: 2/10
Atmosphere: 4/10
Cinematography: 5/10
Character Development: 2/10
Special Effects/Make-up: 8/10
Nudity/Sexuality: 2/10
Violence/Gore: 7/10 (minimal gore, decent amount of violence)
Sets/Backgrounds: 0/10
Dialogue: 5/10
Music: 5/10
Writing: 2/10
Direction: 3/10
Cheesiness: 7/10
Crappiness: 7/10
Overall: 3/10
Well, hardcore horror buffs--especially those who enjoy pure cheesy crappy crap can go ahead and take a look. Will be too stupid for hardcore gamers or most casual gamers--perhaps even insulting. About average when compared to the other awful Creature Features--worse in some aspects. General movie-goers should watch something else.
